


these things are how you make me feel

by sinbindos



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: AU, Chowder went to the draft, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Getting Back Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Post-Break Up, anxiety medication, later chapters will have smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-25 15:02:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12038382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinbindos/pseuds/sinbindos
Summary: “Derek, this is my co-worker, Will. He helps coach the Little Falconers.”Nursey looks up and feels the punch in his chest so hard he actually takes a second to consider that it might have happened. But it didn’t. And there’s Will,hisWill – no, not his Will, but still, Will – standing there, a polite smile absolutely fucking frozen on his face.“Will, this is Derek Nurse, Chris’s boyfriend.”





	1. Chapter 1

“And… done! Submitted, fuck Chicago I never want to write another bibliography again.”

 

“You say that, but no one is buying it.” Chowder says, reclining across the sectional sofa in their living room. He’s got his laptop tilted up, leaning against his knees and perched somewhat precariously on his abdomen. Watching tape, probably.

 

“I mean it,” Nursey tips his laptop lid shut and stretches his arms above his head.

 

“You do not, your thesis bibliography is over twenty pages long.”

 

“…over thirty,” he says, slightly sheepish.

 

“Seriously? When did you get that many sources?” Chowder gives him such a good ‘this is bullshit’ face that Nursey walks to the kitchen to grab him one of his pre-made protein drinks from the fridge.

 

“I found a bunch last week, it’s not my fault!” he calls, downing half a bottle of water of his own first. He returns and hands Chowder his shake.

 

“Thanks. You know if you pick up any more books from the library we’ll have to move to a bigger apartment.”

 

“You play in the NHL, you can afford it.”

 

“I’m gonna take on a rookie and kick you out. Nursey, your supervisors are going to _kill you_.” 

 

“It’s a doctoral thesis, if they’re surprised by a thirty page bibliography, I’ll eat my copy of _The Wasteland_.” Chowder just snorts at him, sits up a little to take a sip from his can, and then pauses. 

 

“So does this mean you’re free this weekend?” 

 

Nursey shrugs, dropping down onto the floor and working open his thighs into a pigeon pose. He’s been sitting for six hours, _fuck_ , his muscles are tight. He can feel Chowder’s eyes on him, and when he looks up, Chowder is sitting with the can between his hands, and is already giving him pleading eyes. 

 

“What do you want? And if you say you need me to join you in training again, I’m calling bullshit, you have a personal fucking trainer and an entire team of NHL players at your disposal, go use one of your illiterate jock buddies.”

 

“You were a hockey player too, shut up, you know none of them are illiterate! But that’s not it – it hardly involves any work at all, I swear. It’s just the weekend.”

 

“A whole weekend? Brah, I still have to write the thesis, I can’t just turn in a thirty-plus-page bibliography. You do know that, right?”

 

“You can bring your work! Please, I really don’t want to do this by myself!”

 

Whatever it is, Chowder seems desperate, and Nursey can’t really resist when he looks like this. He’s on roadies so often during the year as is, Nursey almost never sees him. But its summer now and it’s not like Nursey’s thesis is even due until the coming year… 

 

“Fine, I’ll do it. But if I don’t get any work done, you’re proof-reading my thesis for me and you don’t get to say a damn word about cummings’ lack of grammar, you got it?”

 

“Yes, yes! Anything, you’re the _best_ ,” Chowder grins, leaping up and topping Nursey out of his pigeon pose and onto the carpet. “Fuck, Chow, watch it, I could’ve snapped off my legs!”

 

“Please, didn’t you play college hockey? If your legs had gotten snapped off it would have happened years ago,” but he rolls off and kicks his feet out anyways. They lie together for a few minutes, just quiet. Just comfortable as Nursey drags himself up from memories of Samwell, of red jerseys and red sun over the ice in Faber and red hair between his fingers. Chowder is perfect for Nursey in that way, he thinks, changing the direction of his thoughts a little. Chowder always lets him just be quiet. Never pushes him. They’re best friends, they live together, and they never, ever fight. It’s peaceful, really. Even if he is gone half the time. 

 

“So what are we doing this weekend, then?” Nursey asks at last. 

 

“You’re gonna be my plus-one to Farmer’s wedding,” Chowder replies happily, reaching out to pat Nursey’s face. 

 

“Wait, what?” 

 

“Farms is getting married, and she invited me, but I don’t want to go alone!”

 

“Chow, you’re a _professional hockey player,_ you wanna take me as your _date_? To your ex-girlfriend’s wedding?”

 

“It’s just family and friends, and honestly – it’s at Jack’s place, out in Rhode Island. So it’s gonna be really private anyways.”

 

“Jack Zimmermann?” 

 

“What other Jack do I know?”

 

Nursey shrugs. He’s met Jack a few times, when Chowder had him for drinks after a game. He seemed nice, if quiet – though his hatred for the Bruins meant he and Nursey just couldn’t find common ground with hockey. As long as Chowder was a goalie with the Bruins, Nursey would be a die-hard fan. Even if he was from New York.

 

“Okay, so we’re going to Rhode Island for the weekend. And I get to be your date. Chill.”

 

“Awesome,” Chowder grinned over at him, then sat up and reached for his toes, stretching out his hamstrings. “I owe you one!”

 

X

 

Nursey and Chowder are driving in Chowder’s one gratuitous NHL-salary purchase: his blue, secretly-Sharks-themed convertible, with the top down. They’d been driving all morning, and were just pulling up the long driveway to Jack’s house, Nursey belting out the lyrics to _Talking Body_ while Chowder pelts him with gummy bears. 

 

The house is large and very gorgeous, with big open windows panelling the front, and a porch that wraps around the side, stretching towards the backyard. Nursey whistles as he parks, and leaves the radio playing as he grabs his bag from the back seat. “Zimmerman’s got good taste,” Nursey says approvingly, and tosses Chowder his bag too. 

 

“You don’t know the half of it,” Chowder snickers, and reaches over to shut off the car. 

 

“Getting the party started already?” Jack appears at the stairs and lopes down, grabbing Chowder into a bro-y half handshake-half hug. “Hey man, how’s it going?”

 

“Great! Thanks for having us,” Chowder says with a big smile.

 

“Gotta say, Zimmermann, you’re really upstaging our apartment,” Nursey grins, and shakes Jack’s hand as well. 

 

“Please,” Jack says, sounding dry as hell but with a crinkle at the edge of his blue eyes that looks unmistakably like amusement, “I upstaged you with the driveway alone.” 

 

Nursey laughs loudly, and there’s a crash from somewhere inside the house. They all look up to the doorway. “Everything okay in there?”

 

Jack shrugs, looking a little weary. “Bittle’s all over this. He’s done weddings before for names bigger than a few NHL players, but you’d think it was his own wedding he’s so nervous.”

 

“Good thing he’s already married,” Chowder says, laughing, and bumps Jack’s shoulder with his own. Jack’s face softens, and he smiles. “Yeah.”

 

“I’m glad they’re still friends,” Chowder admits as Jack leads them up the front steps and into the house. Then he glances back at Nursey, remembering that he’s right there with him, and grabs his hand to pull him forward. “Bitty and Farmer became friends because of us,” he explains, “and after we broke up, Farmer moved to Providence – worked at Bitty’s bakery until she got her job as a teacher. And that’s also how she met Mel, through Bitty.”

 

“That’s really nice,” Nursey says, a little lost in the beautiful entrance, the open-concept living room that stretched back into the dining room. More windows along the back wall – beyond it they could see green, a huge lawn, and on their right was the kitchen. 

 

“Nurse, meet my husband, Bittle.”

 

A tiny blond man, with a blue, Falconers-embroidered apron, whirls around and greets them with a huge, welcoming smile. His eyes flicker down to the hand wrapped around Nursey’s, and then he’s stepping up quickly. “Chowder, honey, good to see you!” He pulls Chowder into a hug, and turns to Nursey immediately. “And so nice to meet you! Chowder, I didn’t know you were seeing anyone right now! And he’s so handsome!” 

 

Chowder blinks, and opens his mouth to answer, but Jack gets there first, pulling Bitty in by the hand and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Hockey players, we’re all private,” he says, smiling into the gold curl at his husband’s temple. “You can’t say it’s just me anymore.”

 

“Ain’t that the truth!” Bitty sighs, and then shoots Nursey a warm smile. “I’m sure you miss him when he’s gone.” 

 

Nursey’s surprise at the assumption is fading fast, and he throws Chowder a sly look before throwing his arms around him. “I miss him so much,” Nursey sighs, turning his face into Chowder’s neck, ignoring the glare he can feel bouncing off the top of his head. “Big empty apartment, all by myself. ‘A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body. I go so far as to think that you own the universe. I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains--” Chowders hand covers his mouth.

 

“Are you seriously quoting shit from your thesis at me?” he says, and Nursey can’t really see his face but he sounds like he’s about to start laughing. 

 

Nursey draws back and shoots him a grin. Their friendship is based on three years of making fun of each other, Nursey being dramatic and Chowder being a little oblivious. This is no different. But Bitty seems dazzled, and he’s got one hand covering his mouth. “Oh sweetheart, that’s just lovely!” He exclaims, his southern lilt making it sound more like gushing. 

 

“Come on,” Jack says, smiling and shaking his head, “your timer is about to go off, and I better bring Chow back to Farmer before she guts me.”

 

“And you know she will!” Bitty says, his voice going brisk as he turns back to his work. The kitchen looks a little like all the cabinets got pulled out over the counters, there’s so much going on, but Bittle is focused, and has his hands on the oven door just as the timer starts to ring. “I’ll see you boys out there in a little bit, just as soon as these puffs are perfect.” 

 

They leave him to it. 

 

The backyard is about as expansive as Nursey figured it would be, a patio of stone leading out in one direction to a bright blue swimming pool, and more generally stretching out in a wide lawn till it meets a line of trees, swaying pretty in the breeze. The sunshine is buttery and sweet and pours across the grass towards the long table set up at the center like a scene from Beauty and the Beast. 

 

“Tonight is just the welcome for closest friends and family,” Jack explains, gesturing to the people already sprawled around in armchairs and on blankets in the grass. No one has jumped into the pool yet, but there are a few people in swimsuits, looking ready to go. “Then tomorrow most of us will be busy preparing, and Mel wanted a more traditional bachelorette party,” he says with a laugh, “though there isn’t really anything traditional about this. And then the ceremony and reception will be Sunday morning and afternoon.”

 

“Three-day wedding,” Nursey says, impressed, “That’s a lot of commitment.”

 

Jack shrugs. “It’s off-season, and there are a lot of people travelling in – Farmer’s family is coming in from California, Mel’s family is coming in from Montreal, and all their hockey-player friends are coming in from their towns, too. It made sense.”

 

“We wouldn’t have minded driving down, if you needed the space,” Chowder says, a slight furrow in his brow. “It’s only an hour from here, we could have made it in early every day.”

 

Jack shook his head. “Farmer wanted you here as an excuse to shunt her family into the hotel, and I promised to have you over some time anyways. You don’t want to drive all the way back after the partying this group is going to do at night, and especially not now that I know you two aren’t just _roommates,_ ” Jack says with a pointed look – Nursey almost corrects him, but Jack gives him another one of his soft, open smiles. Jack’s a scary motherfucker on the ice, and though he had been nice the first few times they met, he was still quiet and certainly not _warm._ “So this way you’re only taking up one room, and we can ask Mel’s coworker to stay too. He’s got a baby, and he was going to drive back into town early every night – now he can stay and enjoy himself a little, too.”

 

Nursey and Chowder exchange looks, and then exchange shrugs. It’s not like they hadn’t shared a bed before. Though the few times it happened, they were usually incredibly drunk, and woke up incredibly naked. But after a few years living together, they’ve both definitely seen worse. 

 

The screen door opens behind them, and then there’s a loud shriek and Chowder is tackled away from Nursey’s side. Chowder is laughing and Farmer is laughing and he’s spinning her around like he hasn’t seen her in years. “You look amazing,” Chowder says, “So beautiful!” 

 

Farmer gives a little curtsy, and beams up at him. “I’m so glad you’re here!”

 

“You’d think I didn’t live only an hour away,” Chowder teases, lifting a hand to ruffle through her hair, and she smacks it away. 

 

“Don’t you dare, Christopher Chow!” she shrieks, and then they’re off again, laughing and smiling like they hadn’t dated for four years, hadn’t almost got married, hadn’t – 

 

Nursey blinks, and has to remind himself that Chowder and Farmer are very different people, had a very different ending to their relationship. It was amicable. So much so that they never really lost their friendship, though they saw each other far less. 

 

After a moment, Farmer steps back, flushed from laughter and eyes sparkling, and she looks at Nursey, then at Jack, then back at Nursey, and then at Chowder again, and says, “Oh!” in this tiny gasp, and she’s hugging Chowder fiercely. 

 

“Chris, you didn’t tell me you and Derek were _together_ together! This is so amazing, I’m so happy for you – when you said you two were moving in together, I figured – but wow, what an incredible wedding surprise!” She says, letting Chowder go and turning to smile up at Nursey. “It’s so nice to finally meet you,” she says, and Nursey shakes her hand, too. “He talked about you all the time of course, but I didn’t realize –”

 

“He’s been holding out on us,” Jack interjects. “We just found out, too. I thought they were just roommates this whole time.”  
Farmer laughs again, and Nursey can see what Chowder fell in love with. Farmer is all joy, all laughter, and she’s so much like his roommate that Nursey is immediately charmed. Over her head, that same roommate is giving him a desperate look. Even after all this time, her happiness must mean a lot to him – because all of a sudden, Nursey has been promoted from plus-one to pretend-boyfriend. 

 

“But that does mean we can ask Will to stay, too,” Jack keeps talking. So much more talking than Nursey has ever heard from him before. Nursey is so busy thinking about how maybe it’s just here, in his home, where he feels comfortable, that he almost misses the name _Will_. And it’s been four years, and he’s over it really, but the name Will will always make him twitch. Farmer agrees to whatever is being said, and runs off to find him, the co-worker with the baby, and let him know he should stay the weekend too.

 

Chowder seems to notice Nursey’s gone off in his own head, and tugs him by the hand toward the group of people to make introductions. They greet the other bride-to-be, Melissa, who works with the Little Falconers. She already knows Chowder apparently, has met him on one of his stays in Providence while playing the Falconers, and greets Nursey with an assessing look and an approving smile. “You seem good for him,” she says a little later, nodding back towards the group of people as Nursey grabs Chowder a beer from the cooler. 

 

“We keep each other sane,” Nursey says, smiling slightly to himself. He’s not sure what charade they’re playing, but it’s no harm to foul, as far as he’s concerned. He’s chill. “And he makes me laugh more than I ever would without him.” That part is true. Chowder met him at one of the worst times in his life, and Nursey – Nursey honestly can’t imagine what his life would be like without him anymore. He might be lonely now, might not want real relationships anymore, but he’s never alone, and Chowder dragged him back to a life he had stopped wanting to participate in. 

 

Mel smiles, looks over her shoulder, and brightens up. “Will!” She calls, raising a hand in greeting. “Over here!” Nursey is looking at his plate, trying not to flinch at the name. This is Mel’s coworker, not his ex. 

 

Mel is talking to him, so he tries to tune back in. “Derek, this is my co-worker, Will. He helps coach the Little Falconers.”  
Nursey looks up and feels the punch in his chest so hard he actually takes a second to consider that it might have happened. But it didn’t. And there’s Will, _his_ Will – no, not his Will, but still, Will – standing there, a polite smile absolutely fucking frozen on his face. 

 

“Will, this is Derek Nurse, Chris’s boyfriend.”

 

And Will’s face unfreezes enough for his lips to tighten slightly, angry, Derek thinks automatically, like a reflex. But there’s Will’s hand, freckly fingers reaching for his, and they shake hands. The worst thing, the worst way – and Will is saying, “It’s nice to meet you. Farmer has been whisper-shouting my ear off for the last twenty minutes about Chris’s roommate-who-is-actually-his-boyfriend.” 

 

Nursey can feel his face harden, and then he remembers everything Will once tried to help him un-learn, and he forces his shoulders to relax, hitches a lazy, half grin on his face, and leans back against the little table. “Nice to meet you too,” he says, his voice so friendly, so polite, Nursey knows it will hurt. It’s meant to. Will’s lips tighten again, and there’s a tiny furrow between his brows, and Nursey can practically hear the words in his head, _come on, don’t do that – you never need to pretend with me._

 

What a lie that was. 

 

“Now all that’s left is for you to meet Will’s date. You’ve definitely got the most gorgeous girl on your arm this time,” Mel teases, elbowing Will and snickering when he goes a bright, flaming red. “Even my fiancée can’t compete.”

 

“You’re not wrong,” Will says, a slight smile turning up the corner of his mouth, and Derek feels his chest twist. “I never thought freckles could ever look cute, but as usual she proves me wrong.” Will shakes his head, fond exasperation written all over his face, and his eyes filled with love – something Nursey used to know, but doesn’t any more. He knows what that is, but he doesn’t recognize it, it isn’t the same, and that’s because it’s not for him.

 

“Baby!” Chowder calls, saving Nursey from having to do or say anything more, from having to even look at Will again. “’Scuse me,” Nursey says, picking up his sandwich and the two drinks, and heading back to Chowder’s side, eyes fixed straight ahead the whole way. 

 

He can’t wrap his head around it. Or he can, in some horrible, literary way. It’s some stupid tragedy, watching his ex-boyfriend, his ex-, _god_ Nursey needs a drink. But he can’t go get another one because Will is still standing there talking to Mel, his back facing him. They’re both 27 now. Older. Will’s shoulders are, somehow, broader than they were at 22. He looks just as in shape as the day he walked out of Nursey’s life, maybe more so, but he’s definitely more freckly, and his hair has grown out. It’s not the neat, once-a-month classic Poindexter cut, it curls a little around his ears. It would make Shits cry, and it makes Nursey’s fingers itch. It looks as soft as it did back then. And when he turns a little, Nursey can see his profile, so familiar, achingly so. His eyes trace the line of his nose, and the cupid’s bow, and then he has to tuck his chin onto Chowder’s shoulder to cut himself off. Will is with someone, and Nursey has a charade to keep up. He tries to focus. 

 

They spend the afternoon lazy and amicable, the group getting a little larger and eventually migrating over to the pool. Nursey drags Chowder in for a bit and makes him carry him around, less because he’s being playful and more because he needs the grounding. Chowder, for all the he has no idea what they just walked into, doesn’t seem to mind, and lets himself float around the pool with Derek plastered to his back.

 

Then, when he starts to get chilly, Derek stretches out deckside across a towel, and lets the sun warm his skin. He’s purposefully keeping away from Will, pretending he isn’t there, keeping his lazy half-smile on his face as he makes nice with Farmer and Mel’s friends and family. 

 

After a while, Will disappears altogether, back inside where he didn’t have to look at his ex-boyfriend any more, presumably. Nursey relaxes just a little, and tries to focus his thoughts, bring them back from the place they went. 

 

He’s doing a quick breathing exercise, trying to focus only on the places the sun is touching his skin, when Chowder finally settles down next to him, spreading his towel out and flopping down gracelessly. His hand reaches out, gently, and takes Nursey’s. This is not an act, not meant for anyone else. “Are you okay?” Chowder asks, his tone quiet but concern lying underneath. “You seem upset. I know you didn’t sign up for this part, the dating part, so we can tell them if you like—” 

 

Nursey is shaking his head before he can finish. “No, no, please, it’s – it’s fine.” Chowder doesn’t look convinced, not even a little bit. “Honestly. I was surprised at first, but you know I don’t mind. I just. Went to a bad place, you know?” 

 

Chowder knows. Chowder knows Nursey better than anyone, somehow, and Nursey will always be glad that he never has to explain this to him. That sometimes, things kind of take a bad turn in his head, and he can’t get the thoughts to go anywhere better. If it gets really bad, he has Xanax in his bag, and Chowder knows that too. Has sat through breathing exercises with him, and has wrapped him up in blankets, has come back from roadies to find his roommate exhausted and unable to sleep, and will watch tape with him until they both pass out on the couch together. 

 

So Chowder knows, and he pulls Nursey over, lets him hide his face in his chest for a few minutes as they lie out in the late afternoon sun, tucks his fingers into the roots of Nursey’s curls to skritch soothingly, and doesn’t ask any more questions. He lets him take his time. Nursey has never been more grateful. 

 

X

 

It’s a little later, the sun starting to go down, when Nursey finally works up the courage to go inside and change out of his now-dry swim trunks. Until now he’d been avoiding the house, knowing that inside was Will and his gorgeous girl – which, what the fuck? Will was gay – so sure he was gay, so unbearably sure of it. But it’s none of his concern any more, really, and it’s starting to cool down quite a bit, so Nursey sucks it up and goes to change.

 

He’s just leaving the bathroom when he sees a tiny blanket peeking out from behind a door, and then Nursey remembers – co-worker with a _kid_. Not only is Will with some girl, they had a kid together – he started a fucking _family_ , and Nursey feels sick to his stomach for about thirty seconds until the blanket he’s staring at starts to move. He experiences a brief moment of panic, and then a burning curiosity, the need to see this for himself. He takes a step forward.

 

And then a tiny girl peeks her head out the door, and Nursey gets pinned to the floor. 

 

She’s like Will – or, a little like Will. The expression on her face is _all_ Will. But… she’s not white. Not a pale, tiny, red-headed kid like he imagined, but more tanned. Lighter than Nursey, somewhere between Will and himself. Her hair is… curly. Short wispy hairs around her face, long curls pulled up in a messy, half-loose ponytail, and big, green eyes. 

 

The first thing Nursey thinks is, _what, did he just go find a girl that looked like me? That was easier than actually being with me?_ and then he’s revolted with himself. So he looks at the little girl again, and she’s watching him back. She has his freckles, completely. Dotted all over her face and tiny shoulders. She has his nose, and his lips, and his jaw, and the deep look of concentration on her face is so much like Will at eighteen that it startles a laugh out of Nursey. 

 

Then Wil opens the door she’s peeking through a little wider, says, “Come on, baby, time for supper,” and looks up to meet Nursey’s eyes. He startles. “Derek—” he says, then looks down quickly when his daughter (his _daughter_ ) puts her hand on his knee and hides her face in his leg. 

 

His face turns so soft Nursey can’t help the little choked sound that escapes his throat, and Will glances up at him quickly before bending and hoisting the little girl up onto his hip.

 

The little girl turns her face into Will’s collarbone, rests her head there like it’s the most natural thing in the world, like it’s meant to fit there, and keeps a wary eye on Nursey still standing frozen with wide eyes at the end of the hall. 

 

Will clears his throat. 

 

“This, uh. This is my daughter, Isa.” He says, his eyes darting back and forth between Nursey and the child in his arms. 

 

The moment of silence is tense. Like neither of them know what to expect. But Nursey eventually finds his mouth. “How,” he starts, and then clears his throat and tries again. “How old…?” 

 

Will’s jaw clenches and unclenches. Like he’s not happy with the question. “Almost three,” he says, quiet. Like if he says it soft enough, it will hurt less. It’s been almost four years since Will walked out on him. 

 

Air gets caught in Nursey’s throat, and he’s not sure what sound he makes, but Will looks up at him at once, his eyes concerned, and guilty. “Derek, it’s not what you think–”

 

Nursey lets out a choked laugh, wheezes in a breath, and he really wishes he knew what his face looks like because Will looks frightened. “Derek…?”

 

“Nursey, you up there?” Chowder calls, and he appears like the only saving grace Nursey’s got left. His eyes take him in, and he whips around to look at Will, with Isa in his arms. Chowder doesn’t know, couldn’t guess, and he looks confused, but he jumps the last few steps and crowds in close to Nursey. “Baby, what…?” Chowder asks, voice hushed, and his hands come to hover over Nursey’s biceps, like he isn’t sure if he should touch him. 

 

Nursey rips his eyes away from Will, and looks at Chowder desperately, tries to suck in air and gets nothing. Gets a chest full of desperation and anguish. Chowder’s gaze sharpens, and he puts his hands on Nursey’s hips, pushing him backwards towards the bathroom. Bathrooms are good. Smaller spaces, to help him feel more comfortable. 

 

“Nursey, do you need me to get your meds?” he asks, loud enough that Nursey is sure Will can still hear them from where he’s standing watching all of this unfold. Nursey shakes his head, tries to rasp another breath, can’t. He’s shaking out of his skin, only notices it now that Chowder has his hands on him, and squeezes his arms. Tighter, please. Too late for meds now. Just hold tighter. 

 

“Shh, Nursey, I got you…” Chowder is saying, manoeuvering him into the bathroom and sitting him on the floor. He turns back to the door, where Will is still watching, and makes to close it. “Excuse us,” Chowder says, and closes the door before he can say another word. 

 

“Can I touch you?” Chowder asks, sitting down in front of Nursey with his knees apart. Nursey nods furiously, reaches, hands shaking hard. Chowder pulls him between his legs, wraps his arms around him, anchors him. He counts breaths for Nursey for a couple of minutes, long slow counting that sometimes frustrates the hell out of him, but usually work. When that only works marginally, Chowder does the next best thing. He just starts to talk. 

 

He tells Nursey about how he and Farmer first met – teenagers, really, so young – at a Sharks game. He was going for the draft, and she wanted to go with him, wherever he went. So that’s what they did. But after a year in the NHL, they decided to part ways. She missed him too much, and he missed her too much, and they never got to see each other, and they were so good natured that they both understood, and it ended in peace. He tells Nursey about the new training plan he’s doing, and how he thinks Nursey should take up synchronized swimming. It’s so absurd, it startles laughter out of Nursey and from there it’s a quick slope down to normalcy. 

 

It leaves Nursey exhausted, as it always does, his forehead pressed to Chowder’s shoulder, eyes closed and throat ragged and aching. Chowder uncaps the bottle of water he had been carrying and makes Nursey take slow sips. 

 

“Sorry,” Nursey says after a little while. “Should have known it was coming. Didn’t take Xanax on time and it just… got away from me.” 

 

“It’s okay,” Chowder says, his hand rubbing soothing circles into Nursey’s back. “It’s really okay. It’s not your fault. Do you want to go to our room? I can make up an excuse.”

 

Nursey shakes his head. He’s exhausted, but if he goes to sleep now he’ll just get groggy and exhausted later. He needs to keep going for another hour or two, until his head is more clear. 

 

“No,” Nursey says, “Bittle made us dinner. Let’s go eat a bit and then… then can we maybe go upstairs?”

 

“Of course,” Chowder pushes back and helps Nursey to his feet. Together, they straighten their clothes, and Nursey washes his face. They were up here quite a while, so dinner has to be starting any time now. 

 

By the time they get back downstairs, Bitty is just bringing out the plates. “Good timing, boys!” He says cheerfully, pointing them down to the end of the table, far away from Will and Isa, thank god. “Go have a seat, plates will be right out.” 

 

Jack helps him get everyone served, and Chowder keeps an arm around Nursey the whole time. A couple of people ask if everything is okay, and Chowder gives them his biggest smile and says, “Nursey’s going cold turkey on coffee, and it’s been killing him this week.” Nursey gives him a dark look. Chowder has been trying to get him to cut down on caffeine for the last two years. He admits that at his worst, six cups a day to be functional was excessive. But he was back down to four, and he didn’t think he’d ever be able to get it back down to one or two. This was cheating. 

 

Mel laughs, and gestures to Nursey’s face. “He doesn’t sound like he likes this idea very much. Is Chris forcing you to?” She asks, grinning, and Nursey gives her a weary nod. “In exchange, he’s helping me edit my doctoral thesis,” he says, just for revenge, and Chowder steps on his foot under the table. 

 

“Wow, a PhD?” Farmer asks, leaning forward to talk to Nursey. “What do you study?”

 

“English lit,” Nursey says, mustering up a small smile to shoot her way. 

 

“Wow,” she says, looking so genuinely impressed Nursey’s smile becomes a little easier to manage. “That’s incredible!” Nursey shrugs, and tucks himself closer to Chowder’s side. He holds up an asparagus for Nursey to bite, and then takes a bite himself. Trying to get him to eat without making a point of it. 

 

Dinner lasts longer than Nursey would like, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Will attempting to cut up the food on his plate and feed it to his daughter, who seems much more interested in half chewing it and then making Will finish the rest. It’s a little gross, but mostly it’s sweet. 

 

Then Nursey takes a minute to wonder about the mother – girlfriend? Or… something more? He can’t bring himself to think the word, and from this angle he can’t tell if Will is wearing a ring. Something he’ll ask Mel about later, maybe. Tomorrow.  
Farmer’s family helps clear the dishes, and Chowder sits in one of the Adirondack chairs, pulls Nursey down into his lap. Not usually advisable, two large guys – one an NHL player, the other an ex-NCAA hockey defenseman – in one chair. But it’s Jack’s house, so they’re probably built for this. 

 

Nursey is 6’2” of muscle and exhaustion, and he curls up as much as he can in Chowder’s lap, leans his head against his shoulder, and tries to listen to the conversation around them. Someone starts a fire in the fire pit, and the smell of burning wood sooths Nursey’s restless head. 

 

His focus is so fuzzy, he doesn’t notice Will disappear with his baby girl, hardly notices the music playing in the background, can only really pay attention to the way Chowder is rocking him slightly, back and forth. He doesn’t notice at all when Will comes back and drops into a chair across the fire from him, nor does he notice Farmer cooing over him and Chowder. 

 

After another quarter of an hour or so, Chowder nudges him to his feet, and tugs him upstairs to bed. 

 

He’s exhausted, so tired he could sleep a thousand years, and falls into bed with all his clothes on. He feels it when Chowder pulls the shoes from his feet, and the socks, the sweater, and tugs his jeans down so all Nursey is left in is his tshirt and boxers.  
Then, Chowder slips into bed, pulls Nursey to his chest, and resumes his rocking. Nursey is asleep before he can notice another damn thing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two smutty scenes in this one - just near the beginning and just near the end. The second one is far less graphic. You have been warned!

“When we have kids, I want them to look like you,” Will says, breaking the silence. It’s mumbled into Nursey’s skin, lips pressed to his shoulder. “Want them to have your pretty eyes.”

 

Nursey can’t help the little twist of pleasure in his chest, thinking of Will holding his baby – _their_ baby. Every time they talk about it, talk about their future, Nursey feels like his heart is going to burst out of its chest, and not in the scary way. It’s more like its expanding so fast, he feels so _much_ that his body is having a hard time containing it is. He threads his fingers through Will’s hair and tugs a little, until he can see his face. 

 

“No freckly babies for us, then? That would be a shame. I want them to look like you, too, you know. And have your brains, if we’re lucky.”

 

“You say that like you aren’t going to be the one in this marriage with a PhD.”

 

Nursey grins wide, and nuzzles his nose against Will’s. “I’m not even halfway through my Master’s, Poindexter. I might not even get into a PhD.”

 

Will just snorts, and dips his head for a quick kiss. “You’ll get in. If you want it, anyways,” he says, and then his face goes serious. “But even if you don’t want it, you’ll still have me.” The promise in his voice makes Nursey shudder, warmth spreading up his neck to his face. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You’ll always have me.”

 

Nursey kisses him then, slow and deep and wet. 

 

Its early afternoon, a Saturday, and neither of them have anywhere to be. There’s a stack of books in the corner waiting for Nursey to crack open, but that he’s been ignoring so that he can finally make a start on actually writing the thesis instead of just doing an obscene amount of background reading. Will’s consulting job is a typical 9-5 deal, so they take advantage of their weekends as much as they can. 

 

Will hadn’t been passionate about consulting, and Nursey had been trying to get him to do something he wanted, that he loved, but he wouldn’t quit. “We’re living together, one of us needs a stable income and you’re in grad school, so it can’t be you,” he’d said, easy practicality taking over. “And I actually don’t mind, consulting can be kinda interesting.”

 

“Kinda interesting, what a glowing commendation.”

 

“Shut up, Nurse,”

 

“Never.” Nursey says, kissing him again. “Will, you know my parents would be okay with it…”

 

Will shakes his head, firm, decisive, utterly unwilling to bend on this point. “No. No way. You’re their son, they can do that for you. I can’t accept that from them.”

 

Nursey takes his left hand, presses a kiss to his palm, then up his fingers one by one until he reaches the ring on Will’s fourth. He presses a single kiss to the simple band, and meets Will’s eye. It’s meaningful, and they both know it. Soon, Will is going to be their son-in-law. Will’s eyes flicker down to Nursey’s mouth. Nursey had always been so aware of Will on the ice, playing for Samwell together, and the electric awareness had only grown with time. Now, he can feel Will’s gaze like a live wire, and when he darts his tongue out to swirl around the tip of his ring finger, he watches Will’s eyes grow dark with shivering pleasure. 

 

Will pushes him down onto the bed, hovers over him possessively, his lips an inch of Nursey’s, just close enough to tease. “Don’t start what you don’t mean to finish,” he murmurs, and Nursey can feel his breath hot across his lips. They part, almost involuntary. “Who says I don’t mean to finish?” 

 

Will’s right hand tightens at Nursey’s hip and his fingers tangle with the hand holding his left. 

 

“What do you want, baby?” The words are spoken against Nursey’s lips, soft like velvet, the brush of his mouth making Nursey gasp already.

 

“Your fingers,” Nursey says, breathless, “Your mouth, please, Will.”

 

“Anything you want,” Will lets his tongue dip out, licks into Nursey’s mouth, draws him up. His heartrate has picked up, and even after four years together he can feel it beating a quick tattoo on the inside of his ribs. Anticipatory, almost desperate already. “I’ll take care of you.” And Nursey knows he will.

 

Will’s hand slips up his side, thumb rubbing circles into his ribs. He lowers his mouth to Nursey’s neck, and sucks at the pulse he finds there, humming low in his throat. Nursey can feel his teeth, grazing blunt across the skin, and he arches up a bit, moans lowly. 

 

“God,” Will mumbles, licking down into his clavicle and pulling back enough to see Nursey’s face. He’s sure he must look gone already, the way kissing Will always makes him feel. Will’s eyes are already glazed, a slight flush to his skin. He’s gone, too. “Look at you, Derek. So gorgeous.” He bends to suck at one of Nursey’s nipples, the tiny bar on his left tugging and making Nursey twist his fingers into the sheets of their bed. 

 

Will makes his way down Nursey’s body, lavishing his skin with pressing, heated touches and wet kisses that cool as soon as his mouth moves on, making Nursey shiver again and again. 

 

He’s biting at Nursey’s hip, worrying the skin between his teeth gently, as he reaches for the bottle of lube lying handy at the foot of their bed. Remnants of their early morning activities. Will licks in long stripes up the underside of Nursey’s cock, but doesn’t touch the head. Instead, he moves down just a little further, licks around his sac as his coated fingers rub gently between his cheeks. Tiny circles, too gentle. Nursey is already loose from this morning but he can feel himself pucker, and he shifts his hips towards Will’s fingers, asking for more. More of his touch. 

 

Will gives him what he needs, pressing one, and then two fingers in and working them gently. Nursey is letting out little noises, hips tilting up, stuck between wanting to grind down and shift up further into Will’s mouth. His mouth, which still hasn’t paid any attention to Nursey’s crown, just pressing wet, sloppy kisses up and down the shaft and sucking lightly on his sac. 

 

Nursey knows Will must be hard, but he’s taking his sweet time trying to disassemble Nursey – and he’s doing a spectacular job with it. Will’s fingers are brushing up just barely against Nursey’s prostate, his wrist twisted at just the right angle to tease over it, never pressing on it directly.

 

“Will,” Nursey gasps, shakes his head back and forth, desperate and needy. “Will, god,”

 

“Yeah, baby, tell me – what do you need?” 

 

“Please, Will,” Nursey moans, grinding down hard on Will’s fingers. Will’s own moans echo back at him, and when he opens his eyes, Will is watching him with an awed expression, so tender it makes Nursey cry out. “Fuck, p-please, Will, more,” he begs.

 

“I got you,” Will breathes, and takes Nursey’s head into his mouth. His tongue presses against his slit, licking into it with firm pressure, and Nursey can feel the pleasure like a coil winding tight, growing. “Let go for me,” he says, and Nursey whines. It’s not enough, not yet, but almost. He’s so _close_.

 

Someone is knocking on the door. Someone is knocking on the door and Nursey is desperate, gasping, and then – 

 

Nursey sits up with another gasp, real this time. He’s so hard it hurts, but Farmer’s voice is calling through the door and Nursey pulls the blankets up over his lap just as Chowder blinks open his eyes next to him. 

 

“-in a few minutes, if you guys want to join us! Bitty made challah bread French toast, and you seriously have to try it, it’s _amazing_.”

 

“Sound great,” Nursey calls, his voice hoarse. He clears it. “We’ll be down soon.”

 

Chowder sits up too, and rubs at his eyes. Nursey hears Farmer walk away, down the hall, probably to wake up Will, and _fuck_ , it all comes rushing back.

 

He’s never lost a hard-on faster in his life. 

 

Well, that’s not true. His dick seems at least a little interested still, but the sobering reality is forcing it to flag. The dream had been so _real_ , memory blending in so thoroughly Nursey can almost taste Will’s lips on his. It feels like being stabbed. It’s been years, four years, and he’d moved on. Or, well – he hadn’t had a relationship since Will, but he hadn’t wanted to either. He went on dates, fucked the ones he wanted to, and stayed away from redheads. He hadn’t dreamt of Will in months. And this…

God, Will’s words hung in his head. All their plans, mumbled dreams for kids with Will’s brains and Nursey’s eyes. Nursey always thought when Will had a kid he would be the father too. And he _wasn’t_. Will was a parent with someone else now, and even after four years the hurt came rushing back like blistering fire on skin.

 

Isa was small and sweet and watching her try to feed Will at the dinner table last night, concentrating on moving the food from her tiny fingers to his mouth, was a little like torture. All the promises they’d made, and Will was sharing their future with someone else – someone who could give Isa her green eyes and dark curls. Someone Will could love without being afraid. And now Will acting like they didn’t even _know each other_ , like their history didn’t even _exist_ … 

 

Chowder’s saying his name, and Nursey tries to tune back in. “Sorry, C, what?”

 

The furrow in Chowder’s brow becomes more pronounced. “I said are you okay? You still seem pretty out of it.”

 

“Yeah,” Nursey agrees, “I guess I’m still pretty wiped.” It definitely wasn’t a lie. His head was moving sluggishly, would be until he got some food in him. Chowder gives him a small, reassuring smile, and then it fades into seriousness. “Can we talk about it later?” he asks, respectful of Nursey’s boundaries like he always is, but still not willing to change the routine. He knows talking it through is helpful for Nursey even if he hates doing it. Nursey swallows, and then nods. “Yeah, later.”

 

“Good. Do you want to shower first?” 

 

“Sure.”

 

Nursey slips out of bed and pads toward their en-suite. He doesn’t want to look at himself right now, doesn’t want to see his own green eyes watching critically as he reminds himself he wasn’t what Will wanted, in the end. Instead, he steps quickly into a scalding hot shower, washing quickly and jumping to get out as fast as possible. The sooner he can be next to Chowder, the better. But as he’s stepping out, he catches a glimpse of himself in the fogged-up mirror, and pauses. He looks miserable. He’s at a wedding, with Will but not _with_ Will, and Will’s got a daughter, and that fucking hurts. 

 

But it’s not his wedding, and he’s here for Chowder – who has been here for him so often the last few years that Nursey would be lost without him. So he sets his face until it looks more relaxed, with a slight smile, even if the shadows can’t hide how tired he still is.

 

He can play this game, he can be C’s doting boyfriend. Will has someone, won’t care anymore, so Nursey’s only option is to fake it until the weekend is over. Just another two days, he can do that much. He’ll stay out of Will’s way, and that will be that.

He trades out with C, who looks happier when he sees Nursey smile. He tilts their foreheads together briefly on his way past him, holding Nursey by the back of the neck, and then chuckles. “You smell like almonds, gross.” 

 

“Fuck you, almonds are amazing. And they’re nourishing for the skin. You should want your boyfriend to not look ashy and gross at the wedding tomorrow.” 

 

Chowder laughs again, swats at his ass and lets Nursey go. 

 

X

 

By the time they get downstairs, Jack and Bitty, Mel and Farmer, and Will and Isa are all sitting at the table already, chattering together and serving themselves French toast. Nursey holds Chowder’s hand until they get to their seats, right across from Will this time, and they sit. 

 

Will has clearly just showered too, his hair still slightly damp, but Isa’s looks clean and fresh and dry, the curls tied up with enough care that Nursey knows he must have taken time this morning doing it. She’s wearing blue stretch pants with orange polka-dots, tiny pink shoes with butterflies on them, and a green shirt with a Disney princess on the front – the princess is black with a puffy green-and-golden dress. None of her clothes match even remotely, but Will is dressed almost the same way, a green t-shirt and a pink bracelet over his shorts. Nursey wonders if he let Isa pick their clothes this morning. He’s having a tough time pulling his eyes away, and Will can probably feel his gaze, because he looks up from where he’s cutting pieces of cantaloupe, and gives him a small, hesitant smile. Then he looks at Chowder, blinks, and turns back to the squirmy toddler in his lap. 

 

“It’s going to be a little crazy today,” Bitty says from Chowder’s other side. “Will’s going to pitch the tent with Jack, right out back here. Chris, honey, would you mind helping them as well?”

 

“Of course,” C says, smiling brightly and looking between Will and Jack. “I hope one of you knows what you’re doing though, because I won’t.”

 

“I’m pretty handy,” Will offers, taking a bite of toast for himself and offering it down to his daughter. 

 

“He is,” Jack agrees, “he helps Bitty when the oven is acting up.”

 

“And when the dryer isn’t working!” Bitty chimes in, laughing when Will looks a little embarrassed. “If I weren’t already married…” Bitty trails off, shooting Jack a playful grin. Will goes red. 

 

“Sorry, Poindexter, he’s taken.” Jack slings an arm over Bitty’s shoulder. 

 

“No problem,” Will says, his expression wry. “Bitty doesn’t want any part of this anyways, trust me.”

 

“Don’t be stupid, Will,” Mel says, giving him a sharp look that Nursey takes to mean they’ve had this conversation before. “You’re a parent, not deformed.”

 

“This is real life, Mel, not some gay single dad dating sim.” Nursey whips his head around so fast his neck cricks. He knows his eyes are huge, staring at Will, who is studiously avoiding looking up. “Besides,” he continues, “it’s not like I have time with this little monkey hanging off me.” The words are completely without heat and Will quickly presses a kiss to Isa’s head. She seems determined not to speak in front of other people, but she cups her dimpled little hands and brings them up to Will’s ear clumsily, whispering something to him. 

 

“Sure, baby, but we have to wait a little. It’s still too cold for the pool.” Isa scowls, and Will lifts up another piece of cantaloupe for her to eat.

 

The conversation drifts for a while and Nursey picks at his food, head full of way more things than he can process right now. Will is… single? And out? He can’t really reconcile these things with what he knows. He can’t be out to his family, especially with a kid, there’s no way. They’d never believe him now. Not with the way things were before. 

 

This doesn’t change anything. Nursey steels himself, huffing away anything even remotely close to hope. It doesn’t change a damn thing. Will’s a single dad, and he’s had years to get back in contact, if he had wanted that. Hell, the last time they had spoken was when Will gave Nursey his set of keys, hands shaking. Then he’d grabbed his bags and left. It had been so out of left field, such a shock, Nursey had just stood there, confused and afraid. He fell into routine mechanically and Will… Will had never called him again.

 

So Will made that choice. Will was the one who walked away. And Nursey had too much pride to beg for someone who didn’t want to be there, didn’t want him anymore. Not after so many years at Andover. 

 

He shakes his head, and leans on Chowder’s shoulder. 

 

“You’re cute,” C says, “but you’re still not getting any coffee.”

 

Derek moans. 

 

“Please? Just a little?” 

 

“Absolutely not. You’ve been doing so well, baby! Don’t quit on me now!” 

 

Nursey gives him his saddest look, and Chowder’s face breaks for a second, and then he narrows his eyes. “Don’t you try that with me, it won’t work. I’ve spent two years trying to get you to agree to this.”

 

“I know exactly how you feel,” Farmer laughs, taking her cup of coffee in her hand and inhaling deeply. She shoots Nursey a mischievous look and hums around a sip. “He’s your problem now!”

 

Nursey whimpers and gives her a betrayed look. “You should feel sorry for me!” He says, throwing a grape in her direction. “Does solidarity mean nothing to you people?”

 

“Nope,” Mel says, nuzzling at the side of Farmer’s head. “Cait’s so in love with coffee, she’d leave me if I tried to take that away from her.” Farmer’s face melts into a wide smile, giggles, and Nursey restrains a cringe. They’re so sweet, so in love, it hurts to watch. “I would not,” she says, and presses a kiss to Mel’s nose. “I would pick you over coffee any day.”

 

“Are you saying you don’t love me more than coffee?” Chowder says, drawing one arm around Nursey’s waist and tugging him to his side, almost off his own chair. 

 

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.” Nursey says, reaching for more maple syrup. “I will never love you more than coffee.” 

 

Chowder makes a wounded noise while the table laughs. 

 

“So clear something up for me,” Farmer says eventually. “Just how long _have_ you two been dating? I know you moved in together two years ago.” Nursey’s brain screeches to a stop. They have not talked about this enough to come up with an answer, but they should have. They definitely should have.

 

Chowder hums and gives Nursey a little sideways look. “Well,” he says, bites his lip, and then starts again. “Well, we kind of just… fell into it, didn’t we?” 

 

Derek nods, grateful C’s taking the reins here. “We’d been friends for a couple of years, and we had uh.” Chowder’s eyes flicked up to Isa and then back to the rest of the table, sheepishly. “We hooked up a couple of times, after we met. Derek was calling himself – what was it, emotionally unavailable? At the time.” 

 

Nursey can feel heat crawling up his neck to his face. He knows what Will is going to take away from that, and he doesn’t want to hear or see the reaction. “Well, you were persistent,” he cuts in, “and patient. We moved in together first and then, I guess it just felt right after a while.”

 

“You knew I was always coming back to you after long roadies,” Chowder teases. “I promised you I would.” From his peripheral vision he sees Will flinch back slightly. Nursey hides his cringe in Chowder’s neck. 

 

“So, how long…?”

 

“Year and a half?” Chowder says, glancing down at the top of Nursey’s head. “Almost two.” 

 

Bitty coos, and puts another piece of French toast on Chowder’s plate. “And what was that poem you were reciting yesterday, Derek?” 

 

“He’s using it in his thesis,” Chowder says, grinning. “Nursey has a deep obsession with Pablo Neruda.”

 

“Oh!” Mel says, leaning forward a little in her seat. “Will _loves_ Neruda, has a huge volume of it in his apartment. You read it to Isa at bedtime sometimes, don’t you?” She asks, and Will looks like he wants to sink into the floor a little. He’s retrieved a pack of crayons, and Isa is sitting happily in his lap, coloring in a book of Disney characters. He looks down at his daughter. 

 

“Uh, yeah. Occasionally.”

 

“So which poem was it?” she asks again, pressing on a place she doesn’t know is dangerous.

 

“Love Poem XIV,” Nursey says, his voice quiet. 

 

“Do you know it?” Mel turns to Will, a grin starting to play at her mouth, like she’s ready to chirp him if he does.

 

“Yeah,” Will says, “‘I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.’ Right?” He says, looking up at Nursey then, his eyes hard. Mel is laughing, and everyone else joins in, and Nursey should feel a little bad, that this poem that meant so much to younger versions of them is being brought up like this. But he doesn’t. He’s abruptly pissed. Pissed that Will had a kid, got someone pregnant, started a fucking family after everything they’d promised each other. Pissed that he’d moved on so fast after breaking Nursey’s heart that within the first year he was a father. Pissed that he was pretending now like they didn’t know each other, except for these moments when Will knew no one would notice. 

 

So Nursey holds his gaze, throwing all his accusation into the look until Will winces, and suddenly he looks a lot older than Nursey remembers. Older, and more tired. 

 

“Nursey, do you want to give me some help in the kitchen?” Bitty asks, breaking his train of thought. “That way these boys can move the table and get that tent set up before people start arriving again.”

 

“Sure, of course,” Nursey says, and sends him a grateful smile. “I’m not so good at building stuff, but I’m not bad in the kitchen.” He hears a small, surprised noise from across the table and doesn’t acknowledge it. “Lemme help with the plates.” 

 

 

Bitty is an absolute relief to be around. He’s light, and sweet, and charming, and chatters away while he works, so easy that Nursey barely needs to concentrate. He’s washing and drying dishes at one side of the kitchen, with Bitty at his back prepping meats and potatoes in big silver bowls. There are, apparently, other people who will be helping Bitty cook this afternoon, so that he can come out and socialize with the rest of them. But he wants to make sure the marinades are just right. 

 

Nursey is drying a bowl for the big kitchen stand in the corner, laughing at a story Bitty is telling him about Jack attempting to use the blender to chop garlic, when Bitty cuts off with a delighted “Oh!” Nursey looks around, and sees Isa blinking up at him from the doorway, curious eyes tracking his movements as he sets the big bowl on the countertop. 

 

“Hi, sweetheart!” Bitty says, crouching down a little. “You comin’ to help us make dinner?” Isa keeps looking at Nursey, but spares a glance at Bitty and nods. 

 

“Have you met Derek yet?” Bitty asks, lifting Isa up onto the counter next to Nursey. Her face is very intense, and Nursey can’t really help smiling. She looks so much like Will when she’s concentrating, her tiny, freckled face looking almost grumpy, but not quite managing it around the round cheeks.

 

“Hi,” Nursey says, leaning one hip against the counter and grinning down at her. “I like your tshirt. You look like that princess, but with green eyes!” 

 

“You also,” she says. It’s the first words he’s heard her speak, aside from the little noises and whispers she’s deigned to let any of them hear when she’s with her dad. 

 

“I also look like a princess?”

 

She nods. 

 

“Thank you,” Nursey says, ignoring the laughter Bittle is trying to stifle behind his hand.

 

“Don’t you mean a prince?” Bittle says at last, getting himself under control. He pulls out a cutting board and two packages of strawberries, and sets them on the counter. Isa tucks her legs up and scrambles back a little, so the cutting board is between her and the ledge. Nursey gets the feeling she’s done this with Bitty before, but puts a hand on her tiny hip to keep her in safe anyways. Just in case. 

 

“No,” Isa says, giving Bitty a hilariously stern look, “boys are princesses.” Nursey is grinning so hard it hurts. She says her ‘r’s like ‘w’s, and she might not look like Will in terms of coloring, but god her expression. 

 

“Yeah Bitty, boys can be princesses, too. Don’t be sexist.”

 

Isa tests out the new word, and looks at them for an explanation. “It’s when someone thinks boys are better than girls,” Nursey says, shooting an apologetic look out the window where Will is probably pitching a tent. 

 

“They’re not!” Isa says, slapping her little hand down on the cutting board. It would be feisty, but she also, apparently, mispronounces her ‘th’ sounds, so they sound more like ‘d’s. It’s fucking cute. 

 

“Oooh, you’re in the doghouse now, Bitty,” Nursey teases, and Bitty goes pink. “Don’t worry, Isa, Bitty thinks girls are best, too.” 

She looks appeased, and Bitty opens a box of strawberries. 

 

“Do you think you and Derek can help me take the green parts off the strawberries?” Bitty asks, and Isa nods, smiling so a little dimple appears on her right cheek. 

 

They work together as Bitty goes back to his side of the kitchen, and Nursey can hardly keep his eyes off the little girl in front of him. She’s got long lashes, and she’s making burbly sounds to herself as she works, occasionally dropping a leaf or not getting the whole part and saying ‘oops’ quietly to herself, or letting out a little huff of irritation. 

 

Nursey had been planning to keep his distance, but he’s so taken in by her. She’s perfect. Small and soft and warm and _perfect_ , god, he doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to forget this. Forget Will’s daughter. 

 

Once all the strawberries are finished, Bitty takes back their side of the kitchen too, and Nursey balances Isa on his hip so they can standby if Bitty needs more help. Isa must have decided she likes Nursey, because she leans her head on his shoulder and watches Bitty move around the kitchen through her lashes. 

 

Nursey stands there holding her, feeling her little breaths evening out on his neck, and gently sways back and forth.  
“You seem to be good with kids,” Bitty says, shooting Nursey a soft smile. “You think you’ll have some of your own?”

 

Nursey shrugs. “I wanted to, but I’m not so sure now.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don’t know,” Nursey sighs, running a hand gently down Isa’s back. “Not the right time. It’s kind of a two-person job, you know?” 

 

Bitty nods, “I know what you mean. With Jack on roadies all the time, it’s hard to imagine. I want to be father, but I don’t know about doing it on my own. I’m sure you feel the same way about Chowder.”

 

Nursey hesitates, and shrugs. “I guess. I don’t know if… with Chowder, I’m not sure if that would work for us. Will seems to have done well on his own, though.”

 

“I’m glad someone thinks so,” Will’s voice comes from behind him, and Nursey turns around, holding Isa a little tighter. “How long has she been out for?”

 

“Only a few minutes,” Nursey says sheepishly. “Sorry. She helped de-stem strawberries, and then I was just trying to keep her out from under Bitty’s feet.”

 

Will gives him a long, even look, and then stares down at his daughter in Nursey’s arms. “I probably shouldn’t let her sleep,” he says eventually. “I want her to conk out early tonight.” He reaches for her.

 

Nursey passes Isa off, watches as her eyes flutter open again under the little kisses Will is pressing to her soft, round cheeks. “Hi baby,” he says, his voice impossibly soft. “I heard you helped with the strawberries.” 

 

She nods, and buries her face in Will’s neck. Nursey’s heart clenches. 

 

“Wanna go swim in the pool, princess?” he asks, bouncing a little where he stands, and she nods again. “Two,” she says, and Will blinks.

 

“Two what, pea-pod?”

 

“Two princess.”

 

Bitty snickers. 

 

“Isa decided that Derek was a princess while you guys were busy. And then she scolded me for suggesting that maybe Derek would be a prince instead. And then Derek taught her the word ‘sexist’.” 

 

“Sexist,” Isa mumbles, repeating the new word at her dad’s shoulder. 

 

Will turns to face Derek, exasperation all over his face. “Really, Nurse? I leave her with you for an hour and you teach her the word ‘sexist’?” 

 

“Sorry,” Nursey apologizes. Will just shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess.” 

 

“Why’s that?” Bitty asks, and Will stiffens slightly.

 

“Uh. Chris was just telling me about how Nursey is taking a feminist theory class right now.”

 

It’s a lie, they both know it is. But Bitty doesn’t, and he laughs. “Watch out then, unless you want Isa goin’ off to protest already.”

 

“I’ll bring her to protests myself when she’s older, if that’s what she wants,” Will admits, “but not until she’s older.” 

 

Nursey bites his lip to hide a smile, and Will goes a little pink. “Like you would do any different,” he says, and Nursey shakes his head. “Nah, of course not. If I had a daughter, I’d bring her up hella feminist.”

 

“I don’t know what you meant, about you and Chowder,” Bitty says, his voice thoughtful, “but for what it’s worth, I think you’d make a good dad. You should’a seen it, Will. Derek kept a hand on her the whole time she was up on the counter, treated her like the princess she is.” He turns back to the pastry dough he’s unfolding, and Will looks at Nursey again, his eyes intense. 

 

“Yeah, I’m sure he did.” He says.

 

Nursey walks out.

 

He’s heading towards the back door, out to where he knows Chowder is, when Isa’s baby voice protests and Will’s quick footsteps catch up to where he’s standing. “Derek, wait,” he says, and when Nursey turns, he’s got a hand out, like he wants to put it on Nursey’s shoulder. Nursey takes a step back. 

 

“I-” Will falters, then takes a breath and tries again. “Thank you for watching her,” he says, voice tight. “I really appreciate it.” 

 

“You know I never minded kids.” Nursey answers, quiet. 

 

“I know. But you didn’t have to… you _don’t_ have to, if it makes you uncomfortable.” 

 

Nursey shakes his head, not looking at Will, focusing on Isa in his arms. She’s looking back at him gravely, and he knows she doesn’t understand, but she was asking for him just a moment ago. 

 

“God,” Nursey says, too hard to be a laugh, too soft to be a huff. “How did… how did this even _happen_ , Will?”

 

Will is quiet, and when Nursey looks up at him, his expression is wary. “I don’t… yesterday…” he trails off, struggling to say what he means. He doesn’t have to, Nursey already knows. 

 

“That won’t happen again,” Nursey says firmly, and Will’s mouth tightens again like he doesn’t like that answer. “Really. I was caught off-guard, and I was having an off day anyways.” 

 

“It’s worse?”

 

“It’s the same. But some things make it worse.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Will says, “I didn’t mean to… to cause…”

 

Nursey just shrugs. “Its fine,” he says, “it’s been a long time.” Will just nods, his face still a little wary, and Nursey sighs. 

 

“Seriously, Will. How did… what happened?” 

 

Will looks down at Isa, and back at Nursey. “I’m gonna go change her into her swimsuit. Come help me?” Nursey nods, and follows him up the stairs towards his room. 

 

Isa insists on doing the stairs herself, taking them one at a time, sometimes putting a hand on Will’s leg to steady herself. At the top, Will sweeps her up into his arms and spins her down the hall until he can toss her gently onto the bed. She’s giggling, previous sleepy forgotten in the fun, and Will helps her out of her little outfit and into a tiny swimsuit with a frilly skirt attached. 

 

Then she insists on rifling through her little toybox for something to bring to the pool. 

 

“You didn’t…” Nursey says, his voice just above a whisper. “Not while we were…”

 

“No!” Will’s voice is sharp, “No, of course not. I wouldn’t, I would never have…” he cuts himself off. Nursey knows what he was going to say. He would never have hurt him like that. But that’s not quite true. He did worse. 

 

“I tried to be straight.” Will says, sitting down on the bed next to Nursey. Close enough that he can smell Will’s aftershave, the same after all these years. He closes his eyes. 

 

“I tried to… to change. I should’ve known it wouldn’t work, but. I was desperate. About a month after we… after I left, I went out for drinks with one of the girls from management. She… I mean, we ended up…” he trails off. Nursey nods. 

 

“It didn’t work, obviously, but I kept trying with her, and eventually it got too much and I realized I couldn’t. But then, she missed her period and…” Will huffs out a laugh then, and gestures at his daughter, who is currently making little toddler noises at a stuffed pig. Nursey is frozen. He had expected a one night stand, not a _relationship_. Will was gay, and had tried to make it work, _one month after…_

 

“Where is she now?” he asks, his voice catching a little.

 

“Still works for the company. When she told me, she said she wanted to go through with it, and find a family who could take her. She was on track for management, and was pulling 60-hour work weeks. It wasn’t realistic, for her, and she said the baby made her realise that… that there was so much more she wanted to do with her life. It made sense, though she hated herself for it, and I… I asked for her. For Isa. She’s my daughter, Derek. Mine. The only family I… and Nani said yes. She said she couldn’t take part in her life, that it would be too hard, but to give her updates once in a while. Make sure she knew Isa was okay. So after she was born, I quit the company, and moved out here.”

 

“Why Providence?”

 

Will shrugged. “I spent 9 months looking for jobs, and found one as a coach for the Little Falconers. I could have Isa with me, or I could hire a babysitter for that time, and then I met Mel and Caitlin and Bitty and, well. It’s been easier since then.”

 

“And your parents?”

 

Will goes very still. “They know about her,” he says carefully. “But that’s all. When I told them what happened, they were very insistent that I marry Nani. But that wasn’t going to work, and they didn’t accept that, so I… I told them. About me. That it wasn’t ever going to happen, because I was – am – gay. They told me to give Isa to them, after she was born. That they’d raise her right, that I couldn’t… single, gay dad, wouldn’t be able to give her a good home. A _proper_ home.” Will snorts, and it’s not a happy sound. 

 

“I haven’t spoken to them since.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” Nursey says, and he is. He knows how much Will’s family meant to him.

 

“Yeah, me too.” Will said. “I’m sorry they’ll never get to meet her. I’m all she’s got, but god… I’m so glad Nani agreed.” Will’s face is full of burning determination, the way it is when he wants something, fiercely, and doesn’t intend to let it get away from him.

Nursey remembers seeing that face on the day he pulled the ring box out of his pocket and showed it to Will. He remembers Will dragging him in to kiss him hard, tug at his clothes, until the only thing either of them were wearing was the single silver band on Will’s left hand. 

 

“I’m glad she did too. I’m glad that Isa has you. You… I meant what I said,” Nursey says, chancing a look over at Will. “You seem to have done really well on your own.”

 

“It wasn’t easy,” Will admits. “The first year was the hardest. I almost thought I would have to give her up. I considered it. Actually, I considered giving her to Jack and Bitty at first – toyed with the idea for a bit. But I knew I couldn’t really go through with it.” 

 

“Of course you couldn’t, she’s your daughter. I know how you are about family.” 

 

“Yeah.” Will falls silent, and they both watch Isa for another silent moment. 

 

“I found ri-o!” she shrieks, throwing herself into Will’s lap eventually. “Ri-o goes in the pool!” 

 

“Yeah, pea-pod. Rhino can swim if you hold on to him.”

 

Isa nods, determined little face as she reaches up higher, and Will stands. “So, you gonna join us in the pool, princess?” he throws over his shoulder, and Nursey glares. “Fuck off, only Isa gets to call me princess.” 

 

Will snorts but doesn’t say anything, and then his expression goes serious again. “I know it’s none of my business anymore,” he says, “but… I’m glad you’re happy. With Chowder, I mean. He seems like a great guy.”

 

Derek twitches a little, and then nods. “Yeah, he is.” 

 

Will blinks at him, frowns minutely, and then turns away. “Come on, pea-pod, time to swim.” In the pit of Nursey’s stomach, he aches. 

 

X

 

They all spend an hour or two in the pool. 

 

Isa is having an absolute ball jumping from the edge into Will’s arms, and her water wings keep her floating in the shallow end in the circle of someone’s arms, since she’s even too small to touch the bottom there. “I just dried and did her hair this morning,” Will mourns as Chowder drags her in a circle in through the water, giggling. 

 

Nursey snorts. “Now you feel my pain.”

 

“Actually, thank god for having watched you do your hair so many times,” Will says, pitching his voice quieter so that only they will hear it. “Because otherwise I would have _no idea_ what to do with hers.”

 

“I’ll consider it a public service, then.”

 

“Princess!” Isa cries, reaching for Nursey.

 

He leaves Will by the side of the pool and grabs Isa from Chowder. “Hi Other Princess!” he bounces them in the shallow end, in and out of the water, and Isa shrieks delightedly. It’s loud, and directly into Nursey’s ear, and he can’t really help the grimace on his face but Will is laughing at him from the other end of the pool. Nursey shoots him a look, and turns back to his baby girl. 

 

“What do you want to do Princess Isa?”

 

“Fly, I wanna fly!”

 

“You want to fly?”

 

Isa shrieks again. 

 

“All right all right, jeez, kid.” Nursey grabs her tiny waist and spins her around in the air before dunking her back in the pool. 

 

She’s giggling, and he’s giggling, and the sun is all golden everywhere. Chowder has hoisted himself up onto the ledge, talking to Jack. Farmer and Mel have gone into town to bring their families back, and Will is floating in the deep end, watching Nursey with sun-golden eyes. 

 

Nursey almost gets caught up looking at him, so physically aware of him even after so long that it’s surprising. But Isa wraps her little arms around Nursey’s neck and presses her cold nose to his jaw. 

 

“Brr!” Nursey says, wrapping his arms around her and rubbing a hand over her tiny back. “Someone’s getting cold. Time to warm up?” She nods, teeth chattering just a little, and he lifts her out of the pool and over to the deck chairs to grab a towel. 

 

He can feel Will’s eyes on his back the whole way. 

 

As he dries Isa off, and she snuffles pliantly in his lap, he thinks about this morning. He was so determined to stay away from her, so set in the knowledge that this was a bad idea. That he would have a hard time saying goodbye to her, goodbye to Will again, after this.

 

But how could he say no, when she wanted to curl up on his chest under the warming sun in one of the reclined deck chairs? This was maybe the only time Nursey would ever get to hold Will’s child, to know what it would feel like to cradle one perfect half of Will in his arms. So he lets himself revel in it, against his own better judgment. She smells clean and a little like chlorine, and that baby smell still there, even though she’s soon to be exiting ‘age two’ and moving on to ‘age three’. 

 

And at least for a moment, he could let Will take a break from being the responsible one. He loved him enough still to want that for him – want him to relax a little around his own friends. 

 

But _fuck_ he thinks to himself as he points out funny-shaped clouds to Isa, who is swaddled in towels like a tiny ghost. This was going to hurt later. 

 

X

 

Dinner is delicious, and everyone is sitting around talking and laughing long after the food has been demolished. The only people missing from the table are Will – who has gone to put Isa down for the night – and Bitty, who went to go make more sangria. 

 

Though how they can consume much more, Nursey isn’t sure.

 

“Poor bear,” Mel is saying, still cooing over Isa even though she’s gone. “She was falling asleep on Will the minute they sat down for dinner! It’s a miracle he got her to eat anything at all. Usually she gets grumpy and cries if he tries that.”

 

“It’s Nursey’s magic,” Bitty says sagely, appearing behind them with two more pitchers. “He’s been playing with her all day, she must have been too exhausted to put up a fight!” 

 

“Aw,” Chowder says, putting his hand on Nursey’s leg. “You’re so cute with kids.”

 

Bitty’s eyebrows go up and he looks from Nursey to Chowder. “Do _you_ want kids, Chris?” he asks, and Nursey cringes a little. 

 

“Oh definitely!” Chowder smiles, “but not for another while yet. I just need to find, ah–” Nursey covers for him, aware that he was going to say ‘the right person’. “The right time, right babe?” 

 

Chowder nods, and squeezes his thigh gratefully. Bitty nods, satisfied, and looks away. 

 

The drinking goes on, and the partying goes on, and as it’s technically the joint bachelorette party, Mel and Farmer are both wearing sashes and tiaras. Someone turns on music, and it’s spilling across the lawn, and there’s nothing but laughter. Nursey is sitting across Chowder’s lap, snickering into his cup as Mel and Farmer stumble through a terrible tango. 

 

The fire is roaring, beautiful twists of orange licking up in the dark, and across the fire Will is sitting, slightly red-faced from all the sangria, talking to Bitty. His eyes flit to Nursey every once in a while, and Nursey is painfully aware of it. He always has been, and probably always will be. But he ignores it, because he doesn’t know what Will is seeing, watching him in Chowder’s lap. And he doesn’t care, either. Will walked away. Will didn’t want him. Still doesn’t want him. 

 

“Chris!” Farmer says, the perfect distraction to his alcohol-fuzzy brain, throwing herself down in the chair next to them, breathless and pink-faced. “This is your last chance! Sweep me away from all these madmen!” She flings a dramatic hand across her forehead, and Mel chuckles from next to her. 

 

“Nah, Mel can have you,” Chowder says, to a good-natured round of boo-ing from the peanut gallery. “I’ll keep what I have.” He slips his arms around Nursey’s waist. 

 

“I should think so,” Nursey says dryly, nudging him with his big toe. “I’m a better kisser than Farmer is.”

 

“Not that I’ve ever kissed you,” Mel interjects, “but I will have to respectfully disagree.”

 

Nursey gasps, and points at her imperiously. “Fight for my honor!” he commands, and Chowder gives him his unimpressed face. The effect is ruined by how drunk they both are, and they descend into giggles instead. 

 

“So you won’t fight for my honor,” Nursey says eventually, hiccupping himself back into a mock-serious tone. “I’m hurt. It’s like you don’t even _love me_ anymore. The passion is gone.”

 

Chowder snickers. “Yeah, yeah, quit whining.” Then he leans in to whisper in Nursey’s ear, “You couldn’t pay me enough to date your sorry ass, but you are a better kisser than she is.” Nursey shivers a little.

 

“Prove it.”

 

Maybe it’s Will’s eyes on him, heating his skin all day long. But Chowder shrugs and leans in, kisses him sweet and slow, and Nursey smiles into it. This is how Nursey knows he can never be with Chowder for real, and vice versa. It’s nice, a warm, welcome kiss. But there isn’t any heat to it really. Nothing that makes him want more. They’d both have to be quite a bit drunker than they are now to really get into it, and though they do very occasionally hook-up when hammered – totally consensual, with previous agreements in place to make sure it’s all cool between them – there’s certainly nothing there right now. 

 

Chowder presses another kiss to Nursey’s forehead, and sighs. “I want s’mores.” 

 

“I got the ingredients for that!” Bitty slurs from his place on the arm of Jack’s chair. “But I can’t say I know where they are right now.”

 

“I can probably find them,” Nursey says, “I _was_ sous-chef today.” 

 

“Honey, Isa makes a better sous-chef than you,” Bittle quips, and Nursey sticks out his tongue. 

 

But he hops off Chowder’s lap anyways and heads inside. Marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers. Maybe peanut butter cups, if he can find them. S’mores with peanut butter cups are a far superior animal.

 

He’s rifling around in the cabinet, too lazy to turn on the light so it’s just the small lamp above the stove illuminating the dark kitchen. “Damn,” he says aloud, finding nothing but regular bars of chocolate – good quality, because it’s Bitty, but still, no peanut butter – when he hears the door slide open again down the hall.

 

“Hey, Bitty, do you think adding peanut butter to this would make it taste like – oh.” 

 

Nursey looks up, but it isn’t Bitty in the doorway. It’s Will. 

 

“Hi,” he says, swallowing. “I was just looking for—”

 

“Peanut butter, yeah.” Will walks up to him, too close, and reaches for the peanut butter over his shoulder. He places it on the counter next to Nursey’s elbow. “Right here.” 

 

“…thanks.” 

 

There’s quiet. Only the music playing distantly in the background. The faint sound of laughter filtering in. He’s close enough that Nursey can smell his aftershave, and his skin, and it’s been four years but the scent hasn’t erased itself from his memory and he finds himself leaning in just slightly, to get more of it.

 

He remembers nights like this with Will, tumbling into bed together, slightly drunk and laughing. Will would peel him out of his clothes, drag his fingers up his chest, suck kisses to the edge of his jaw. And Nursey would push back, pin Will against the bed and slink down. Would pull Will out of his pants, take him as far into his mouth as he could.

 

Nursey is drunk, and Will is drunk, and Nursey can almost taste it – the skin of his cock, the taste of his precome beading up at the tip. Will’s eyes are dark now, and he’s backlit by the stove-top lamp. 

 

“Derek,” he says, low, and Nursey’s breath hitches in his chest. 

 

Will steps even closer. They’re touching now, Will’s hands on either side of him at the counter, caging him in. Nursey can feel the warmth of his chest, and their knees knock. 

 

“I’m not supposed to care, I don’t, really,” Will murmurs, and Nursey can feel his breath hot on his face. It smells like alcohol, and fire, and everything Nursey wants. “But I didn’t like watching him kiss you.”

 

The words set something aching in Nursey’s chest, and his hands find Will’s chest, balances them against him. “Will…” Nursey breathes. 

 

Will’s right hand comes to his hip, grips tight, and Nursey can feel it like a burning brand. Everything he is missing with Chowder – the heat, the passion – is crackling between them right now. It’s almost irresistible. 

 

Nursey forces his mind back. Thinks about how much this is going to hurt tomorrow, when he and Will say goodbye again. How much it’s going to hurt when they can’t even look at each other in the morning. When Will gives him the same sickened look he did the entire last day of their relationship. Like looking at Derek was the last thing he wanted to do, like he was looking at someone he just didn’t want anymore. 

 

Will’s other hand is cupped around his jaw now, fingers brushing across his cheekbones. 

 

“God, Derek, the way you look right now…” 

 

Nursey sucks in another breath, and it’s all Will, like the best kind of poison in his lungs. Will’s right hand slides around his waist, his knee presses between Nursey’s own, and then – those are Will’s lips, hovering just over his, just brushing. 

 

“Will,” Derek gasps, desperate, and then he gives in all at once, fingers clenching in Will’s shirt, pulling him closer.

 

It’s like a re-run of his dream this morning, Will’s tongue fucking into his mouth, sucking on his own, biting at his lip and hands tugging each other closer. Nursey moans into Will’s mouth, sinking into the feeling of the way Will kisses and touches. 

 

They’re holding so tightly to each other, desperate mouths and desperate hands and –

 

The door slides open and hits the other with a loud clang. Will and Nursey break apart, jerking away from each other so fast it can’t look anything but suspicious. Nursey knocks the peanut butter onto the floor. There are footsteps, they can hear Mel and Farmer laughing, but they don’t stop - just keep walking. 

 

Nursey quickly gathers the things and dashes from the room, Will’s call of “Derek, wait—” still ringing in his ears. 

 

He gets back out, dumps the things for s’mores into the empty chair Will left behind, and throws himself into Chowder’s lap. Buries his face in his neck.

 

Chowder laughs, “What’s up baby?” Nursey just shakes his head. 

 

C rubs his hand up and down his spine, and keeps chatting over his head for a couple of minutes.

 

When it finally becomes clear Nursey isn’t coming up any time soon, Chowder nudges him and then says, “As honorary second-cutest couple, we’re going to follow the Bride-to-be’s idea and head to bed. Goodnight all!” And leads Nursey away, one arm tight around him the entire way to their room.

 

“Nursey?” Chowder asks, voice soft. “Hey, come on, look at me. What’s going on?” 

 

Nursey keeps his eyes on the floor until Chowder’s hand curls around his chin and tilts his face up. 

 

“Nursey, are you okay? Do you need… something?” He asks, not wanting to suggest meds if Nursey doesn’t want them. Nursey shakes his head and tugs Chowder closer. 

 

Chowder, the absolute blessing he is, tucks Nursey into his arms. They’re alone in their room, and it’s so quiet, and Chowder gives him a chaste kiss – one that means he’s there for him, that means it’s okay if he needs to ask for something.

 

Nursey does. He kisses back hard, trying to push all the feelings he had for Will onto Chowder. He tries to get the taste of Will out of his mouth. Chowder makes a surprised noise, and smooths down Nursey’s sides, trying to soothe him.

 

“Hey—” Chowder says, breaking away around kisses, “Woah, Nursey, hey—mmfph.”

 

“Please,” Nursey begs, encouraging Chowder’s hands to touch him more intimately. “Please kiss me, make me forget, make it stop–” 

 

“Shh, Nursey, shh, it’s okay, slow down,” Chowder grabs both his hands, pulls them behind his back, and wraps his own arms around Nursey’s body. Cradling him close. “It’s okay. What’s going on?”

 

“I can’t, C, I can’t. I thought I was over him but I’m not, and he kissed me, and I just want to forget! I—”

 

Chowder kisses him again, slowly, gently. “Shh, it’s okay. Come here.” He leads them over to the bed, pulls them both under the covers. Then he drags Nursey to him, lets him hold on tight, and doesn’t say anything about the sob that rips itself from Nursey’s chest. “You know I’ll always be down for one of our strictly-fun inebriated hookups,” he says softly, “but not if you’re doing it to hurt yourself. I don't want this if you don't actually want it either.”

 

Nursey sobs again, can’t stop himself, and clings tighter to Chowder. 

 

“We don’t use each other to hurt ourselves,” Chowder continues, and Nursey nods miserably against him. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he whimpers, and Chowder shushes him again. “It’s okay,” he says, “I can’t say I get it, but it’s okay. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay? Right now, let’s just go to sleep. I’m right here, Nursey. I’ve got you, I promise.” 

 

Chowder lets him ruin his shirt with tears, and eventually they both fall into exhausted unconsciousness. They have a lot to talk about before the wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL, THAT HAPPENED. 
> 
> please come scream at me in the comments or on tumblr at sinbindos!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut at the end, and talk about homophobia/being disowned

There’s a hand on Nursey’s forehead, and he knows immediately that it’s Will. Can tell by the warmth, the weight, the calluses pressing against his skin. The back of Will’s hand runs down his stubbly cheek, knuckles brushing softly, his thumb pressing in warm circles.

 

“You know how ironic it is for the kid called Nurse to get so sick he can’t ask for help?” Will says, his voice pitched low and tense. If Nursey felt any less terrible he might laugh, but instead he pushes up into Will’s touch, and hears him sigh.

 

“What am I going to do with you?” he murmurs, and Nursey swears for a second Will’s fingertips touch his lips. Nursey tilts his head and tries to blink open his eyes. It’s hard, they’re so heavy, but he manages it. Looking at Will has to be one of his favorite things to do ever, and Will right now looks like a dream. He’s windswept and bronze all over, and he has a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth, even though his forehead is creased with concern.

 

“ ‘S just a cold, Dexy,” Nursey mumbles. “ ‘M not that sick.” 

 

“You’ve got a fever of 102,” Will says, quirking one eyebrow up slightly. “Tell it to the doctors when we have to admit you to the ER.”

 

“No,” Nursey slurs, trying to shake his head a little. That’s too heavy too, but he thinks Will gets the intent. “No ER. Always burn up when ‘m sick. Goes back down eventually.” A shiver wracks through him, and he curls in slightly. 

 

Will’s face crumples, and then he brings up a bottle of water. “Here, Derek, drink – you’re probably dehydrated as hell.”

 

Will helps him slightly more upright, and holds the bottle to his lips. It’s too cold, and Nursey doesn’t want it, but Will begs.

 

“Please,” he whispers when Nursey turns his head away. “Please, Derek. I need you to drink a little, okay? Please, for me?” Nurse is so thrown off that he can’t protest. He gives Will a long, glazed look, his breathing labored, and then nods. 

 

By the time Will lets him lie down again, he’s shaking with cold, teeth chattering. 

 

“I don’t know why you didn’t just call me,” Will mutters, fussing unnecessarily over the blankets.

 

“Din’t wanna bug you. Test next week.”

 

“You didn’t call me to your deathbed because I have a test next week? Jesus Christ, Nursey, you’re more important than some test.”

 

“S-scholarship.”

 

“As much as I appreciate your concern for my GPA, you should definitely know better.”

 

Nursey doesn’t reply. He’s shaking so hard he knows he’s moving the bed, and Will’s hands hover over him, wanting to help and not knowing how. “What can I do?” Will begs, his voice tight with strain. “How can I help?”

 

Nursey tries to shake his head, tell him it’s okay, but Will doesn’t seem to want to accept that. 

 

“Damnit Nurse, let me take care of you! I want you healthy, and… and safe…” 

 

Nursey peers up at him from under his haze of fever. Will looks so pretty, even with his face all frightened like that. He’s going to get sick too, if he stays here. But Nursey can’t bring himself to tell Will to leave. 

 

Months of wanting him, months of watching Will’s unusually stern face go soft with a smile just for him, months of being taken care of by his best friend, they’re crashing down around him.

 

“S-stay with me?” He begs, and Will’s hand grips his.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Will says. “Move over.”

 

“Wh-w-” Nursey can’t get the whole word out, but he doesn’t need to. Will is tugging off his shirt, and Nursey’s fever-ridden brain screeches to a stop. 

 

“Not…” Nursey tries, slowly, watching Will undo his belt buckle. “N-not that I h-haven’t dreamt about this but… w-what are you…?” Will pauses, fly down and button open, showing blue plaid boxers underneath. He carefully drops his jeans and steps out of them, then clambers over Nursey’s hips and gets under the blankets too. 

 

“I’m helping,” Will says, his voice low and warm. “And then tomorrow, when you’re less feverish, we’re going to talk about what you just said. And then I’m going to kiss you. Probably a lot. If you want me to.”

 

Nursey’s dreaming. He’s definitely dreaming. This is definitely a fever-dream and Will – his conservative best friend that he’s been fucking pining over for almost eight months, who has caused him to try to fuck his way across Samwell’s campus just to get the idea of him out of his head – did not just drop his pants in Nursey’s room, climb in bed with him, and tell him they were going to make out tomorrow. 

 

It’s very nice of his addled brain to give him that, though, he considers, as Will slings an arm over his waist and pulls him back into his bare chest. The nudity was a good touch. His imagination is usually so much of a romantic they’re both fully clothed when this happens. He supposes he’s allowed to have this, since he’s so sick, and doesn’t say anything when he feels Will press his lips to the base of his neck. 

 

“Are you okay?” Will asks after a pause. “You went quiet.”

 

“ ‘M fine,” Nursey sighs. Will’s skin is distractingly soft and warm against his own. “ ‘m thanking god for my imagination though.”  
Will huffs a laugh, and his breath is hot. “Why’s that? What are you imagining us doing when you’re this sick?”

 

“Jus’ this,” Nursey says, wiggling just slightly back against Will’s chest. Will holds him tighter. “This is usually what it is anyways,” he mumbles, drifting a little now that he’s comfortable.

 

“You’re not dreaming, Nurse,” Will says, and his voice sounds funny.

 

“Sure am,” Nurse says, and feels Will’s lips on the back of his head again. 

 

“I’ll prove it to you in the morning,” Will whispers, stroking one thumb gently over his hipbone. “Go to sleep, baby. I’ll still be here when you wake up.” 

 

Nursey drifts off in Will’s arms, and Will is right. He’s still there in the morning. And every morning after that, for the next four years. 

 

X

 

Nursey wakes with aching eyes. His memories are out to fucking _get him_ , dragging up every painful thing he just can’t avoid thinking about anymore, and letting them follow him into sleep. It’s early now, the sun is only just rising, so they can’t have slept long. But Nursey can’t make himself try again. So he sits up, and realizes that Chowder is already up too, sitting beside him fully dressed, frowning at his phone. 

 

“Hey,” Nursey says, his voice hoarse. He clears it. 

 

Chowder looks up at him and smiles a little. “Hi. Can’t sleep anymore?”

 

“Nah,” Nursey says, rubbing at his eyes. “You?”

 

Chowder shakes his head. “So last night…” he trails off, and concern shoots across his face.

 

“ ‘m sorry,” Nursey mumbles, looking down at his hands. “I’m sorry for last night.” 

 

Both of Chowder’s hands come to his and hold on tightly. It’s warm, comforting. “Nursey, what’s going on? You said a bunch of things that I just… I don’t know what’s happening, and I can’t help you if I’m in the dark.”

 

Nursey gives him a watery half-smile that just seems to worry Chowder more. He pulls Nursey to his side, slings an arm over his shoulder. “Tell me, Derek.” It’s not a request, but it doesn’t matter because Nursey is talking before he can stop himself.

 

“It’s Will,” he says quietly. “Will, in the room next door. We… we were… we’re exes. And it’s not like you and Farms, C. It’s not okay. It’s been four years and it’s still not okay.” His voice has dropped down practically to a whisper, and Chowder’s grip on his hands goes firmer as he turns them so he can look at Nursey while he talks. 

 

“Shh, Nursey,” Chowder tries to soothe him, “I’m right here. Tell me slowly. From the beginning. You and Will, you dated?”

 

Nursey nods, helpless. “We went to college together. He was my defensive partner from the first day at Samwell.” 

 

Chowder blinks. “You dated while on the same team?” 

 

“Yeah,” Nursey says, laughing a little through the storm of emotions. “Not a good idea, I know. But it worked. _We_ worked. We dated for four years,” he says, “Didn’t break up until almost the end of my first year of grad school.”

 

Chowder’s eyes are wide. “So, when I first met you…”

 

“We’d just broken up,” Nursey nods, “Only a month since he left me.” It must explain a lot. Nursey wasn’t in great shape when he met Chowder for the first time, and though they’d gotten along well, Chowder had always been the one to drag Nursey out to bars or parties. When he was in town, C forced Nursey to go to the gym with him, kept him alive and active, until they reached a point where Chowder had looked around Nursey’s mostly-bare apartment – the apartment he couldn’t bear to leave even with all of Will’s things missing, just in case he wanted to come home. Just in case. – and said, “God, Nurse, just come live with me. I’ve got a spare room, you pay what you can, and then I won’t have to keep driving over here to pull you away from your books.” 

 

Nursey shakes his head, and keeps talking. “I had such a huge crush on him, but we did nothing but fight for the first few months we knew each other. And then, even though we argued, we became best friends. It wasn’t fighting any more so much as it was banter, and I… I was so in love with him, it was awful,” Nursey laughs wetly, brushing at his face and smiling despite himself. “He was such an idiot back then. So stubborn. Still kinda is, I guess. And we really did fall into it. We both… wanted each other for so long, until one day. You know I hit on him while I was delusional with fever?” Nurse smiles up at Chowder, and Chowder’s lips twitch, like he wants to disapprove but he can’t. “He took care of me through it. Stayed with me when I asked. He actually climbed in bed with me, even though I was sick as a dog. But he was just like that, you know? He took care of me. We took care of each other.”

 

Chowder nods like he understands, and Nursey thinks of Farmer. Thinks he probably _does_ understand. “He was my whole world, C. When we graduated, I… I asked him to marry me.” Chowder’s eyes grow wide, and Nursey drops his gaze to their hands, held in his lap.

 

“We were young, but he said yes,” Nursey mumbles, and he can hear Chowder’s sharp intake of breath. “He wore my ring. I’ve never been happier in my life. Everything was perfect. We were living together, I was in grad school and he was working, and we had so much planned. He wanted to save for the wedding, and for after…” 

 

Nursey trails off and squeezes his eyes shut, hard against reality.

 

“After?” Chowder’s voice is hesitant, like he’s not sure he wants the answer.

 

“We’d been talking about having kids,” Nursey admits, not looking up when Chowder makes a little wounded noise. “We figured it would take time, a few years to go through the whole process. But we picked out names and… and Isa was first on the list for a girl.” He cuts himself off, can’t put into words how this feels. Nursey loses himself a little, in the memories. Memories of Will murmuring, “Isa Poindexter-Nurse,” into his lips, kissing down his temple, nuzzling against his cheek. “She’ll be beautiful, like you, and you can read her all your awful poetry.” Nursey had laughed, loud and long, and eventually gotten Will to admit it wasn’t so bad by spreading him out across their mattress and whispering lines in his ear while he fucked him, slow and sweet. 

 

“What happened?” Chowder asks, fracturing the memory in his head. “If this was so serious… why did you…?”

 

“He lied to his parents about me. He lied to me about them, too.” It’s been four years and it burns like a fresh wound. “I thought they knew we were engaged. He said he wasn’t close with them, he said they knew he was gay and that… that he was getting married, and… and starting a life with me. But they didn’t, they didn’t know _anything_. It was like I was his dirty fucking laundry.” Nursey takes a shaky breath, tries to steady himself. He knows, after all this time, that it’s not how Will meant it, most likely. Nursey knew it wasn’t because Will was ashamed of him. At least, he hopes not. 

 

“I knew he wanted to keep our contact limited. He hardly talked to them himself, so I didn’t mind. But they didn’t even know I _existed_ until they called one day, and I picked up his phone while he was in the shower. I said hello, and they just… had no idea who I was. I didn’t know what to do. I told them I was Will’s friend, I didn’t want to out him like that but… but how could he have kept that from me? Why hadn’t he _told_ me?” Nursey looks up, desperate, like Chowder might have an answer he hasn’t thought to pieces yet. But C looks as lost as he feels. 

 

“I was pissed. When he got out of the shower, I told him what happened, and he went white. And then he got pissed, too, said his family was none of my business. And I said… I said I couldn’t marry him if it was going to be a secret from everyone he knew, that I didn’t want that. And he said _nothing_. I wouldn’t have forced him out, of course not, but what marriage is started on lies like that?” Nursey shakes his head. “And Will… he said he got it. He said it was okay. He said… he said that I was right, that he didn’t want this either, and then he… he put his ring down on the table, and then he packed up and left. He didn’t want me anymore after that, and I never saw him again.”

 

Nursey wipes at his face. Tries to breathe properly. “Well, until now.” He says, his voice hardening. That doubt – that maybe it was him all along, the thing Will didn’t want – comes flooding back in. “When he pretended like we never happened to all his friends. Like we were strangers.” 

 

“With his daughter in tow, who happens to look an awful lot like you,” Chowder concludes, his eyes narrowed dangerously. “I see.”   
Nursey fidgets. “I think he assumed I would force him out. He should have known better – that I would never do something like that. But what, was he going to take off his ring and kick me out whenever his parents came to visit? Was he going to spend Christmases with them and never with me because they couldn’t know about me?”

 

Chowder’s mouth is tilted down at the edges. “And now he’s out?” 

 

“Yeah,” Nursey says, his tone bitter. “That was a surprise. Apparently it came out when he knocked up that girl and then couldn’t marry her.” 

 

“And what happened with his parents?”

 

“They haven’t talked since, I don’t think. He must have been devastated by that.”

 

“Hm. So that brings us to last night.” Chowder says, his eyes still narrowed, and Nursey almost doesn’t want to tell him. But the silence stretches and Chowder is giving him a look, so Nursey just says it.

 

“He kissed me.”

 

Chowder is silent.

 

“He thinks you’re in a relationship – a long relationship, with _me_ – and he kissed you.” 

 

“Kind of.”

 

“What do you mean, kind of? Nursey, either he kissed you or he didn’t.”

 

“We kind of kissed each other.”

 

Chowder’s expression lightens briefly, and he grins at Nursey. “So you cheated on me? Rude, I thought I meant more to you than that.” 

 

Nursey huffs a laugh and punches him in the arm. “Don’t be a dick. We made out for all of thirty seconds before Farmer and Mel opened the back door and we both freaked out.” 

 

“Okay, let’s be clear on this. Thirty seconds is a long time, all right, so don’t pretend. But did they see you?”

 

“I don’t think so,” Nursey says, “or else you’d probably know by now. And Farmer would have bolted my balls above the door like the most terrifying mistletoe.”

 

Chowder nods. “She would have done that. And tacked Will’s against the back door. Actually, that second part is sounding like a pretty good idea to me right now, if we’re being honest.”

 

“No, don’t!” Nursey sputters, grabbing hold of Chowder’s arm like he’s going to go off right now to do it. “That was on both of us. I wanted him to kiss me, even though…”

 

“Even though he treated you like crap and lied to you, and then had a kid with someone immediately after breaking up with you and naming her after the daughter you two had dreamed of together?”

 

“…That sounds worse than what I was going to say.”

 

“It’s exactly that bad,” Chowder says, looking firm. “You know that, right?” 

 

“No, I know, I do,” Nursey shakes his head, “it’s a mess. But it doesn’t matter anyways.”

 

Chowder squints, opens and closes his mouth, and then frowns. “I don’t understand.”

 

“He doesn’t want me, C.” Nursey says, quiet. He thinks back to what Will said the night before. _I shouldn’t care, I don’t really…_ “He said so last night. That he doesn’t care. And if he did, he’s had years to call me. He’s out to his parents now, so it’s not like that was holding him back any more. But he didn’t. I know I shouldn’t care, it’s been four goddamn years, I should be over it, but I’m just. Not.”

 

“You still love him?” Chowder asks carefully, and Nursey meets his eyes.

 

“Yeah,” he whispers. “Yeah, I do.”

 

Chowder looks like he wants to say something, but there’s a knock on the door, tentative and quiet. The sun is rising still, just tipping over the treetops. Chowder gets up to answer the door, and Nursey lets his head lean back against the wall behind him. He’s so tired, no more than handful of hours of sleep, and exhausted from tears.

 

“Will,” Chowder says, voice dripping ice, and Nursey sits up so fast he almost topples sideways off the bed. “We were just talking about you. Why don’t you come in.”

 

_Fuck_ , Nursey thinks.

 

He stays seated on the bed, frozen mid-motion of wanting to get up, when Will shuffles past Chowder into the room. He looks _awful_ , dark circles under his eyes like he hasn’t slept and guilt written all over his face. 

 

Nursey wants to chirp him. It’s instinct, and maybe four years ago he would have. “Up late dreaming about me, Poindexter?” he might have asked. “We have a wedding to go to, you have to look pretty.” It would have been teasing, and light, and Will would have tackled him onto their bed and kissed him breathless. 

 

Instead, Nursey says nothing. Just watches as Will looks up at Nursey and bites his lip, looking more and more upset. 

 

“I saw your light,” he explains, voice hoarse and quiet. “Isa’s still asleep and I thought it would be better…”

 

Nursey nods, and he falls quiet. The room is silent, and when Nursey peeks, Chowder is still standing by the door, arms crossed and his best goalie face on. Will takes a deep breath, seems to steel himself. He looks up at Chowder.

 

“Chris, I wanted to apologize to you.” C raises an eyebrow and doesn’t say anything. “I figure Derek told you already, but… I want you to know how sorry I am. I kissed him. He didn’t ask me to, and I didn’t ask for his permission either. I should have, and I should have respected you both enough to know that was a dumb idea.” Will shakes his head, rubs a hand over his hair. “I want to say it was because I was drunk – which I was, don’t get me wrong, I definitely drank too much. I’m not really used to… drinking, anymore,” he says, sounding sheepish. “It doesn’t happen when you have a kid, and I forgot… lost my tolerance, I guess.” 

 

Both of Chowder’s eyebrows are raised now, but his face is still hard, and Nursey wants to cringe a little on Will’s behalf. That’s not a face you want to go up against. That’s the look of a guy who stands in front of a net and lets professional athletes shoot pieces rubber at his face all day. At a hundred miles an hour, even. 

 

“But it was my fault,” Will continues, “completely. I don’t want you to be mad at Derek for this. It was stupid. It won’t happen again, I promise.” 

 

He turns to Nursey next, and meets his eyes steadily. “I’m sorry,” he says again, his voice quiet. “I didn’t mean to do that to you. I—” he swallows, looks down at his hands and back up again. “It’s been nice… seeing you again. But I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m so sorry.” 

 

They look at each other for a long moment, and then Chowder speaks up. “You should be sorry,” he says, and Will grimaces a little, but nods. “And you know I’m not just talking about this,” Chowder says pointedly, “you have a lot to apologize for. But first, you and I are going to have a little chat.”

 

Chowder walks across the room, grabs Will by the shoulder, and steers him back towards the door. “Nursey, get dressed, we have a wedding to get to.”

 

“C – don’t – what the fuck, Chowder,” Nursey jumps up from the bed, catching the alarmed look on Will’s face as he’s pushed out the door. 

 

“Don’t worry,” Chowder says, a little quieter, knowing Will is watching them. “I’m not going to kick his ass or cut off his balls. Even though I want to.” He shoots Nursey a little grin, and then looks thoughtful for a second. It turns into sheer mischief in an instant. 

 

Door still open, Will still watching, Chowder grabs Nursey by the face and hauls him in for a very wet, very filthy kiss. Nursey makes a noise, and Chowder pulls away to whisper in his ear, “That is not the face of someone who doesn’t want you,” he says, pulls back completely, just enough to let Nursey get a look at the twisted, pained expression on Will’s face, like he just got stabbed, and then Chowder shuts the door in Nursey’s shocked face.

 

It’s very quiet and very still. Nursey isn’t really sure what to do, because he is too aware that somewhere in the house his best friend is giving his ex-fiancé a serious verbal smack-down. Part of him is incredibly curious to know what Chowder has to say, and part of him wants to never find out. 

 

It’ll probably be embarrassing either way. 

 

So Nursey strips off his boxers and shirt, takes a long, hot shower instead, and tries not to think about the way Will had him pressed up against the counter the previous night. The way he felt, all hard lines down his body, strong arms around him like they were when it meant more to both of them.

 

But Chowder’s whispered words are in his ear, and he doesn’t want them there – doesn’t want to think that maybe, _maybe._ Will had already said he didn’t like seeing them kiss, but that wasn’t necessarily because he cared. He’d said that exact thing before they had started making out. So Nursey tries to shake it out of his head, and takes extra care to moisturize. 

 

When he gets out, he hears a rustling noise in his room, and his pulse spikes. Chowder’s back already, so whatever chat they had was probably short and sweet and vicious. But when he pulls open the door, wrapped in just a towel, there’s a tiny girl curled up on his bed, looking a little sleepy. Her hair is a curly riot around her head, and the door is open, so she must have come in on her own.

 

“Good morning,” Nursey says softly, holding the towel more firmly around his hips as he approaches her. She’s got a much-abused stuffed lion under her arm, and a little blanket in the other. Nursey reaches for the hanger on the bedpost, his pressed suit waiting to be worn. But before he can unhook it and go back to the bathroom to change, Isa is pulling herself towards him and stretching up her hands. 

 

“Oh, uh.” Nursey says, blinking down at her. “You want up?”

 

Isa nods. Apparently it’s a little early for her to be using words, which. Is another way in which she is exactly like Will, who normally won’t say a full sentence until after he’s made it down the stairs to get coffee. He had as much a coffee problem as Nursey did. 

 

Nursey hesitates, but Isa’s eyes get big and bubbly and sad, and holy shit Will is a stronger man than Nursey ever knew if he can deny this little face. So he scoops her up under the bum with one arm and lets her balance on his chest. To his surprise, she cuddles right into him as she had in the kitchen the previous day. He adjusts slightly so the towel is secure, and lifts his free hand to the back of her head. 

 

“Still tired, baby?” He murmurs to her, and she nods a little into his collar. “Daddy?” she says, a tiny plea, and he presses a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Yeah. Should we go find him?” he asks, and she nods again. Nursey tries to reign in his nerves. On one hand, he might walk into something he doesn’t want to hear. On the other hand, he really needs to put some clothes on, and he doesn’t particularly want to leave Will’s only daughter unattended when she so clearly wants hugs. So he carefully opens the door, peeks out, and then makes his way down the hall. He can hear a shower coming from Bitty and Jack’s room, and Farmer laughing from her room, but nothing else, so he goes downstairs instead. 

 

It takes a minute or two of searching but he finds them sitting in the backyard, two chairs turned to face each other near the blackened fire pit. They’re both leaning forward, and Chowder is saying something emphatic to a tense-looking Will, but cuts off when Nursey slides open the door.

 

“Uh, sorry to disturb,” Nursey says, eyes flicking back and forth between the two of them. “Isa found her way into our bed while I was showering. And she wanted hugs. I kind figured that was your job,” Nursey admits, glancing at Will, who looks a little like he’s been punched. His face is bright red. 

 

Chowder has the most innocent look on his face, and Nursey is a little concerned, but they both stand and whatever tension was there is gone like smoke. Nursey narrows his eyes at Chowder. If he told Will the truth about their relationship, he’s going to murder him in his sleep. 

 

“Yeah, sorry, let me take her,” Will says, refusing to look at anything but his daughter’s face. “She likes to get up and wander on her own. Probably shouldn’t have been gone as long as I was.”

 

“Sorry,” Chowder throws in, not sounding sorry even remotely. Will just shrugs. 

 

“Hi pea-pod,” he says, lifting her from Nursey’s arms and swaying gently, holding her close. He’s saying quiet things to her, so warm and soft Nursey almost wishes he couldn’t hear it. “I love you so much, baby, I do. I always have, and I always will. Love you forever,” he whispers into her forehead, and Nursey can’t handle much more of this. He turns and immediately starts walking back inside. Chowder follows him, quietly, until they get back into their room and Nursey drops the towel. 

 

“I’m flattered, Nurse, really, but I dunno if we’re going to work out. You did cheat on me, after all,” Chowder says cheerfully, hands in his pockets. 

 

“Fuck off, Chow,” Nursey grumbles, totally without heat, as he dresses. 

 

Chowder sits on the bed and watches him. 

 

“I didn’t tell him about us,” Chowder says eventually, and Nursey knows it’s dumb, but he can feel some of the tension leave his shoulders. “Good,” he replies, sliding a tie around his neck. Chowder comes to stand in front of him, takes both ends of the tie and does it deftly. 

 

“But you need to talk to him,” Chowder’s voice is firm, and Nursey clenches his jaw. “I know you don’t want to. But you’ve been sitting on this for four years, and it hasn’t done you any good. At the very least, talk to him to get some closure. You need that.”   
Nursey does not want to. Nursey wants to forget Will ever existed, frankly, forget how much he misses him even now, after everything, and forget how just being in the same room as him makes him feel like he’s being lit on fire – from the inside out. 

 

Chowder seems to know what he’s thinking. “Please, just talk to him?” Chowder begs, “And then after we can go home and watch shitty movies on the couch and I’ll edit your thesis and we can pretend that Will Poindexter doesn’t exist.” 

 

Nursey holds his eyes for a solid minute, and then nods. Okay. He can do that much. And maybe Chowder’s right, maybe some closure will be good. He still doesn’t think he’ll ever want to date again, not seriously. It won’t change anything really. But if Chowder’s asking him to do it, he’ll give it a try. 

 

X

 

The ceremony is every bit as gorgeous as Nursey expected. All the tents and tables put up in advance make the whole thing go surprisingly smoothly, and they’ve hired only Bitty’s own staff, so everyone knows how private this event is. 

 

Both the brides look absolutely lovely, and when they say their vows – right at noon, summer sun beaming down at them and a cool breeze blowing in gently – Nursey cries. Chowder puts an arm over his shoulder, shoots him an amused look, and then goes back to watching what’s going on.

 

But Nursey can’t help himself – he looks across the aisle at Will instead, sitting there looking unfairly gorgeous in a charcoal suit, Isa in a tiny cream-colored dress with little rosettes pinned in her hair, on his lap. Will is looking back at him, his face gentle, and Nursey quickly looks away. 

 

The new brides turn to walk back down the aisle, and everyone throws confetti, and Nursey is laughing, and even though he can’t help but notice the irony, being at a wedding with his best friend and the man he would have married in a different world, he’s so happy. 

 

Bitty’s staff take a little time to turn the area into a dance floor surrounded by tables, but eventually everyone sits for speeches and food and, in a cosmic move which surprises absolutely no one, Nursey and Chowder are seated at a table with Will and Isa. Will even gives him a slightly exasperated, apologetic smile, and Nursey smiles back. 

 

Over all, he does a good job resisting the desperate urge to _keep_ looking at Will, even knowing that after this he’ll probably never see him again. He keeps his eyes on Chowder instead, who spends the whole meal trying to make him laugh. It sort of works. 

 

Isa is coloring, saying little things to herself, with Will occasionally moving her arm back onto the page so she doesn’t end up scribbling all over the table cloth. He cuts her food and spends more time feeding her than feeding himself. At least, from what Nursey can see out of his periphery. He’s really trying to focus on his actual date.

 

Will makes a speech that embarrasses Mel, and Chowder makes a speech that embarrasses Farmer, and then Bitty makes a speech that embarrasses them both. Then parents get their words in by sharing awkward childhood stories and by the end of the talking period, everyone is laughing so hard Nursey is fairly sure there are more tears than there were during the actual ceremony. 

 

It’s all going by so fast Nursey can hardly keep a handle on it, and it takes him by surprise when the music starts. But watching Mel lead Farmer in a simple little circle around the dance floor is absolutely enchanting, and Nursey can feel himself smiling as he watches them. Farmer’s simple, gauzy dress cinches under the bust and makes her look long and graceful. Her hair is tied back in a twist, and Nursey realizes that they both have the same hair comb in – gorgeous blue flowers in silver vines threaded into their hair. They look perfect together. 

 

The music is soft, La Vie En Rose spilling through the speakers. Mel is laughing as she sends Farmer into a twirl, and they come back into each other’s arms like it’s the most natural thing in the world. More couples join them on the dance floor and shockingly, the first person out there is Jack, dragging Bitty into his arms. It looks like he’s singing along, inaudible from where they’re sitting, but from the openly dazzled smile on Bitty’s face, he’s not half bad as a singer. 

 

Nursey drifts in his memories, thinking about his apartment with Will, remembering when they first moved in. No furniture, nothing but boxes. They ordered shitty Chinese food and ate it on the floor, and then Will had pulled Nursey up to sway in his arms when Spotify shuffled to something slow. Nursey thinks about the way Will held him, so gently. “You are the best thing in my life,” he’d said, and Nursey had captured him in a kiss. 

 

“Dance with me?” Chowder asks, breaking Nursey out of his reverie. “Sure,” Nursey smiles, taking his hand and following him out onto the floor. 

 

“Farmer and Mel look happy,” Nursey comments as they shuffle in a fairly uncoordinated two-step. Neither of them are great dancers, so they restrict themselves to their one little box of space. Chowder grins. “They should, they just got married.” 

 

“You know what I mean, asshole,” Nursey laughs, accidentally-on-purpose stepping on Chowder’s foot. “They look…”

 

“Happy.” Chowder finishes, nodding. “I know what you mean. I’m glad.”

 

“Do you miss her?”

 

“Who, Farms?” Chowder thinks about this. “I do, in some ways. But we couldn’t make each other happy. We both understand what happened. She loved me too much to ask me to choose between her and hockey, and I loved her too much to ask her to stay with me when it was making her unhappy. It took a little time, but I’m good with it. This was the best choice, for both of us.”

 

“Why don’t you date more?” Nursey asks, curious. It occurs to him that he’s never really asked before. But Chowder just shrugs. “I think I’m waiting for the right person. I haven’t found them yet, is all.” Chowder smiles at him, and Nursey smiles back. “You’ll find them,” he promises, “and then I’ll tell them about our whole affair and bring it up in my best man speech.”

 

“Who says you’ll be best man?” Chowder demands, sounding offended, and Nursey snorts. “Good luck finding someone else. I’m your best friend.”

 

Chowder laughs loudly. “Yeah, you are,” the affection in his voice makes Nursey grin, and then C’s face grows serious. “Did you mean it, that you would talk to Will?”

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

“Well, now’s your chance,” Chowder says, grabbing Nursey’s arm like he’s about to flee – which, fair, he would – and turning him around. 

 

“Do you mind if I cut in?” Will asks, and then winces at his own words. “Not – I don’t – I just meant – fuck. Can I dance with you, Derek?”

 

Chowder pushes him forward, and Nursey doesn’t get a chance to say no. Will’s hand comes up to his back, and takes Nursey’s hand gently in his. And then they’re off, Will turning them, guiding Nursey around the dance floor, his arm a firm pressure holding Nursey to him. 

 

“Hi,” Nursey says after a moment of awkward, tense quiet. 

 

“Hi.”

 

“ ‘Sup?”

 

Will snorts. “Good to see doing a PhD in lit hasn’t changed your use of slang.”

 

“Never, Poindexter.” They both chuckle. 

 

“I, uh. Wanted to apologize again.” Will says. “I mean you and Chowder _looked_ okay just now, but he made it sound like… like you guys weren’t a sure thing, and I wanted to make sure that if that was my fault, I could maybe help–”

 

Nursey cringes. Chowder hadn’t told him, but he had thrown Nursey almost completely under the bus. Will’s face looked intensely guilty as he looks Nursey over. “I mean, you seem to really like him, so I want to do what I can to – to make it up to you both. Though, if he isn’t as into this as you are, or if he’s that pissed because of just this, you shouldn’t wait around for him,” he blurts out, “You know you can do better than someone who doesn’t want you completely.” Then Will goes red, and does the thing with his eyebrows that Nursey knows means he’s pissed at himself for saying something he shouldn’t have. 

 

Nursey laughs, even though it isn’t really funny. “Do I know that?” He asks, and Will blanches. 

 

“You should,” he says, lips pressed tightly together. 

 

“That’s kind of funny, don’t you think?” Nursey isn’t really sure where the anger is coming from, but it’s not slowing down. “You of all people are telling me not to wait for him if he doesn’t want me?” 

 

Will frowns. “I’m sorry, what?”

 

Nursey looks at him, incredulous. “Are you kidding?”

 

Will blinks, eyes wide. “No?”

 

He huffs a disbelieving laugh. “Okay, sure. I mean that’s what our entire relationship ended up being, but if we’re still pretending that never happened then fine.” 

 

He’s not sure what Will’s face is doing, but it settles on pissed pretty quickly, and it’s achingly familiar. Nursey feels like he’s been sucker-punched back into freshman year of their undergrad. At least, until Will’s hand grabs him hard around the wrist and starts dragging him off the dance floor and out of the tent completely. 

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Will demands as soon as they’re far enough into the treeline that they aren’t obviously fighting. Nursey bristles.

 

“Nothing,” he says tonelessly. “I’m not saying shit, Will.” 

 

“Fuck off, don’t pull that on me! It may have been four years but I still know when you’re saying something.”

 

Nursey just shakes his head, so Will tries again. “What do you mean, that’s what our entire relationship ended up being?” 

 

Nursey can’t really help the sarcastic look he gives him – his Big Bad ex, who left his heart war-torn and so messy he’s still reeling four years on. “I’m pretty sure we were both there for that break-up,” Nursey snaps, successfully goaded out of silence. Will has always been good at that. “I seem to recall you telling me you didn’t want me, didn’t want this, and then moving out and moving on before I could even process. And you just tried to lecture me about not waiting for someone who doesn’t want me as much as I want them? Kind of hypocritical, don’t you think?” 

 

“What the fuck?” Will’s face is a bizarre mix of pissed and horrified. “What the fuck?”

 

Nursey makes a noise in the back of his throat. “Seriously, are we really doing this right now? During a wedding?” 

 

“No, fuck, yes we’re doing this. Are you insane? In what world did I leave you because I didn’t _want you?_ ” 

 

“What—” Nursey has probably never been this pissed in his life. “In this one, you asshole! Or do you not remember breaking my fucking heart?”

 

“But it wasn’t because I stopped _wanting you_ , Jesus Christ, Derek!”

 

“No, fuck you, you don’t get to say that to me after all these years. You walked out on me. You lied to me, lied _about_ me, and then walked out on me without any other explanation but ‘I don’t want this anymore’.”

 

Will looks like he’s been punched, and Nursey quiets his tone a little, but it’s low, and harsh, and he’s really on a roll with the anger right now. “I stayed in that apartment for _months_. I didn’t touch anything. I left it all exactly the way it was, just in case you wanted to come home. Just in case you changed your mind. I was fucking hurt, that you didn’t tell your family – that you lied to me about it. But you’re the one who quit, the one who decided you didn’t want this anymore, and you’re the one who left me. So yeah, in the end, our relationship was exactly what you said. Me, waiting for someone who didn’t want me as much as I wanted them.”

 

It’s completely, utterly quiet. All of Will’s anger seems to be gone, and he looks kind of sick. 

 

“You – honestly thought I didn’t want you?”

 

“You made it damn clear you didn’t! I was your dirty little secret, and as soon as I knew it you left me, like it was the easiest thing in the world! And you did it all over again this weekend, pretending we never happened, like we weren’t—” Nursey can’t even finish the sentence.

 

“Because I thought you would want that! You’re with Chris now, and I didn’t want you to feel like I was coming into your life just to fuck things up for you again!”

 

“Yeah, well, you did a pretty great job of not doing that this weekend,” Nursey snaps, “You thought it would be better to pretend we didn’t know each other, make us act friendly and casual while staying in the same goddamn house, and effectively strong-arming me into keeping it from Chowder?”

 

Will rubs his face, looking overwhelmed. “…I admit, it wasn’t well thought out. But I panicked. Do you know how fucking–” he cuts himself off, and looks sideways with a frustrated huff of breath. 

 

“How fucking what?”

 

“Nothing,” Will says, sounding agitated. “Nothing.”

 

“No, that’s not fair. Answer me.”

 

“Do you know how fucking hard it was to watch you this weekend?” Will demands, breaking easily. “I heard your laugh first, did you know that? From inside the house. Loud, and bright, and exactly the same as I remembered it, and I almost dropped Isa’s toy box right down the stairs when I heard it. I thought I was dreaming, or hallucinating, or something, because there was no way, no way I could imagine that you would be here. And then there you were, walking in with another man, looking so fucking perfect and so _happy_ and I… freaked out.” He exhales roughly, runs a hand through his hair. 

 

“ _You_ freaked out? I had to look up and get introduced to you like we were strangers!”

 

Will winces, and then looks a little frustrated himself. “Well it’s not like Chris knew about us,” he says, as if he has any right to be pissed about that. “It took until this morning for you to tell him about me, and you’ve been dating for _years_!”

 

“Chris has no reason to know about you!”

 

“Because I didn’t matter?”

 

“Because he and I aren’t dating!”

 

It’s dead silent. Will blinks. Opens and closes his mouth. Blinks some more. 

 

“What?”

 

“Fuck,” Nursey mutters, looking back over at the tent where music is still playing. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

 

“You and Chris aren’t dating?” Will’s voice is strangled. 

 

“No, not that it should matter to you.”

 

“But… you two have been together for years. You live together. I – he – I’ve _seen_ you kiss!”

 

“Grow up, Will! Chowder is my best friend. We’ve hooked up a couple of times, and I agreed to be his date to his ex-girlfriend’s wedding. And then everyone assumed we were dating, and Farmer looked so happy about it, C didn’t even have to ask me after that.”

 

Will is bone pale. “Jesus…” he whispers, “Jesus Christ… but how? God,” he laughs, sounding both shocked and bitter. “You’re both great fuckin’ actors! I _seriously thought_ … but wait,” Will is piecing things together and Nursey isn’t happy about it. “Last night… then you didn’t cheat on him with me?” 

 

Nursey shakes his head. 

 

“So I got a verbal whipping for nothing?”

 

“No, I assume you got a verbal whipping for being a grade A dick to me, _again_.”

 

“What the fuck, why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“No, fuck you, you don’t get to be mad about this! You don’t get any _say_ in this, as far as I’m concerned! You aren’t a part of my life anymore, Will! You stopped wanting me, and therefore you relinquished all rights to giving a shit about who I am and am not dating!”

 

“You aren’t listening! I didn’t leave because I stopped wanting you!”

 

Nursey shakes his head. He’s not sure if he believes that anymore, and maybe Will sees that in his face, because his mouth twists. “I didn’t. I left because I was a fucking coward, and because I was scared. It felt like you were making me choose, between my family and you, and I… I couldn’t.”

 

“But I _wasn’t_!”

 

“I know that now! But back then? God, Derek, I loved you so much, but I was so scared of my family – scared because I knew what they would say. I knew it would be the end of my relationship with them and as much as I hate myself for it, I wasn’t ready for that.”

 

“You think I cared about that? I wasn’t angry that you weren’t out to your family, I was angry that you lied to me about it, lied to them about it, and got engaged to me without even trusting me with the truth. Marriage was a big thing for me, I didn’t want it to be some shameful thing where I… where I would have to watch you take your ring off any time you saw your own parents!”

 

“I didn’t want that either,” Will says, sounding absolutely miserable. “Of course not. I don’t even know what I was thinking – I don’t have any defense for that. I’ve spent the last four years wondering what the hell I was doing, keeping that from you. I was so stupid, and so scared. Scared of losing you, scared of losing them. And then I lost both.” 

 

“I don’t know how you did it,” Nursey admits, helpless against the aching desire to voice every awful, insidious thing he’d thought to himself since Will walked out the door. Leeching it like poison. “I don’t get how it was so easy for you. You just left. Like you didn’t even want to look at me anymore.” His voice hitches.

 

“I didn’t want to leave, Derek, please,” Will begs, one hand outstretched, like he wants to gather Nursey up. “I know you have no reason to believe me right now, but I promise you, I didn’t want that.”

 

“Then why did you do it?” Nursey wishes he was more embarrassed about crying right now, but this is too much, and he can’t care. Just like he can’t believe Will. “I didn’t think that was even an option. I didn’t think it was on the table. Until – until you said you didn’t want this, I hadn’t even considered–”

 

“I lied,” Will says, his voice thick too. “I thought you wouldn’t want it anymore, wouldn’t want me anymore. Lying to you, hiding you, without your consent – it was unforgiveable, and I couldn’t see how you would stay with me, like that. So I left first.”

 

“I stayed there for months, waiting for you.”

 

“I know. I’m so sorry, Derek, I am.”

 

“You never came home.” Nursey is outright crying now, and he can’t stop himself even a little bit. Four years of bottling this up has not done good things for him, and he knows that. The hurt is pouring off him in thick, aching waves, and Will looks wretched.

 

“How the hell was I supposed to?” he asks. “How was I supposed to come home, and face you, after what I did?” Will’s voice is quiet, burning, intense in a way Nursey has never heard it before. “I wanted to come back the second I left. Taking off that ring was the worst choice I’ve ever made, and I haven’t stopped regretting it since the day I made it.” 

 

Somewhere in there, Nursey stopped breathing, and he’s starting to feel a little lightheaded – though whether that’s from the lack of oxygen or all this new information spinning around inside his head, he can’t tell.

 

“And Isa?” Derek whispers, and Will narrows his eyes.

 

“Isa may have been an accident but she will _never_ be a mistake.”

 

“No, no—” Derek says, gasping slightly. “Never, I just meant – you left me. And then you started up with someone else almost immediately. You _dated_ her, even.”

 

“Yeah,” Will says, his voice hollow. “I did. I was so desperate, thinking I could force myself to be something I wasn’t. So desperate to forget everything I’d done. Is it ridiculous for me to say that I went after the first girl who looked enough like you that I could pretend it _was_ you? Like that would make being straight easier for me?” Will gives a derisive snort. “Unfortunately, all I could see was the look on your face as I was walking out, not the other things. And then with Isa – god, she’s my entire world now, Derek, you have no idea. Having her… it was so hard. I can’t explain how hard. And it’s not fair to her, that she’s the reason I changed so much for the better, but it’s true. She did that.”

 

“You did that,” Nursey supplies, and Will blinks up at him in surprise. Nursey bites his lip, and shrugs a little. “You’re amazing with her. I can’t imagine what it was like but… but she’s such a happy baby, and even though she can scream loud enough to shatter my ear drums, it’ clear you’ve done a good job on your own.” 

 

Will smiles, just a small thing, but it warms Nursey. “I don’t know what I ever did without her,” he admits, and then looks down. “I don’t know what I ever did without you, either.”

 

Nursey closes his eyes, tries to breathe.

 

“I miss you,” Will says, “I miss you every goddamn day. I never _stopped_ missing you—”

 

“Will, stop. Please.” Nursey keeps his voice quiet, begging in almost a whisper.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because after today, I’m never going to see you again,” Nursey says, and he ignores the sharp intake of breath. “After today, I’m going to have to keep going on with my life like I have been, and I can’t do that if you’re saying shit like this to me right now.”

 

“Nursey, I’m not—”

 

“I get that you feel bad,” Nursey cuts him off. “I know this is… an apology, for what happened. But please, don’t tell me you miss me.”

 

“But I _do_ miss you.”

 

“You don’t. You stopped wanting this a long time ago.”

 

And then Will is standing much closer, looking furious again. “Don’t,” he says, “tell me what I do or do not want.”

 

Nursey blinks in surprise.

 

“I’ve loved you since we were eighteen and couldn’t get along. I’ve loved you since our first days at Samwell. I never _stopped_ loving you, even when I was leaving you. How could I? I told you, Derek – you were the best thing in my life.”

 

“Isa’s the best thing in your life,”

 

“Now she is, yeah,” Will says, reaching one hand out, tentative, holding it feather-light against the side of Nursey’s face, “but I don’t have you. And I want you, Derek. I want you bad.” His thumb brushes across Nursey’s cheekbone, gently, gently. “I screwed up. I screwed up so badly, and if you really don’t want to see me again, I’ll respect that. But I’m not letting you walk away from me until you know your options.”

 

“And what are those?” Nursey’s voice is weak, and something in his chest is going tight, and he doesn’t want to admit it but he’s hoping again. What Chowder whispered in his ear, _that isn’t the face of someone who doesn’t want you,_ and what Will’s been trying to say to him… he’s listening now, anyways. 

 

“I know I was a coward. I know I broke your heart. But things are different now - _I’m_ different now. And so are you. And… and I know things can’t go right back to the way they were. I know that, I do. But I love you, Derek. I love you still. And I’m going to keep loving you,” he says, voice steady, “for the rest of our lives. Just like I promised. So you can choose to walk away. I’ll be okay with that, I’ll accept it. But I want you to give me another chance. Give me the chance to be better to you than I was. Give me the chance to make it up to you.”

 

Nursey is quiet, speechless, frozen. Will’s hands are on either side of his face, cradling it.

 

They’re so close, and Nursey _wants_. He wants everything he had before, and more. He wants Will, cranky in the mornings and sleepy before bed. He wants their arguments about leaving the cap off the toothpaste and forgetting to double-bag the garbage in the kitchen. He wants _Isa_ , wants to get to know her, wants to love her. Wants to take his place in Will’s bed, curl up with him, learn how to curb his language so it’s more toddler-appropriate. 

 

And here’s Will, offering that to him, if he wants it. Even after everything between them, he _does_ want it, there’s no pretending otherwise. So he brings his hands up to Will’s wrists. Grips tightly. 

 

Will’s eyes are wide and wanting, and if Nursey remembers sinking right into them before, it’s nothing compared to how it feels now. Will’s looking at him like he’s everything he wants, and Nursey sees it all at once. Trying again. Re-learning each other. So he says, “Kiss me,” and Will’s eyes flick back and forth between his, trying to look for signs of doubt. 

 

“I’m sure,” he promises, desperation making his voice thin. “Kiss me, please, Will,” and Will leans in. 

 

It starts tentative, almost chaste, until Nursey whimpers just slightly, and then Will’s arms come around him, holding him everywhere. He kisses harder, mashing their mouths together desperately, and then Will is licking into him, sucking on his lip, and the same crackling feeling that came alive the previous night is back. They cling to each other, holding on too tightly, and then Will is pulling back to press kisses to Nursey’s forehead, the lids of his closed eyes. He holds him tightly to his chest, murmuring “I love you, I love you, I’m so sorry, I love you,” again and again, like he can force the words into Nursey’s skin, like he can make him believe it if he says it enough. Maybe he can. 

 

Heart in his throat, Nursey swallows against Will’s shoulder. “I love you, too.” He whispers, almost inaudible. “Still.”

 

Will’s hold on him tightens, and Nursey swears he hears a little sob rip itself from Will’s chest. 

 

“I never thought I would get this again,” Will’s voice is tight and his face is buried in Nursey’s hair. “Never thought I could have you again.”

 

“I know,” Nursey mumbles, “I know what you mean.”

 

“I’m so sorry, for everything.”

 

“I know you are. And…” Nursey draws back slightly. Thinks about what he’s about to say. “And I forgive you.” Will is crying a little bit, and Nursey brushes tears from his face. 

 

“I hurt you so bad,” Will’s voice breaks, and Nursey runs a hand through his hair. How funny it is, that he’s soothing Will, after all this time. “You did,” Nursey agrees, “but I’ve spent enough time being angry and hurt about it, and I understand better now.”

 

“Never again,” Will promises, leaning their foreheads together. “I swear. Never again.” 

 

And Nursey knows he’ll keep that promise. He’s watched Will, these last few days. He’s always been responsible, always been mature, but it’s different now. Choices from last night aside, Will seems calmer than he did back then. More comfortable in his own skin, definitely. He jokes with Jack and Bitty and Mel like Derek has never seen before, and he’s softer than he was, too. 

Though that’s primarily due to his daughter. Speaking of which.

 

“What about Isa?” Nursey asks, and Will blinks at him. 

 

“What about Isa?”

 

“She’s your priority, Will.” And just like that, Will relaxes. 

 

“She is. That’s not a question in my life,” he says seriously, looking apologetic, “she will always be my priority. Even over us.”   
Nursey nods. He wouldn’t expect anything less of Will, really. Knows him so well, expects this. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”  
Will smiles at him, mouth twisting up on one side, “I know you wouldn’t. It’s not easy,” he admits, “it’s going to be hard as hell. But we’ll take it slow, right? For her, and for us?”

 

“Yeah,” Nursey agrees, “Slow sounds good.” 

 

They lean in again, and it’s all warm lips and heavy touches. Will’s mouth is the same as he remembered it, easily the best kisser he’s ever met, methodical and addicting. Will smooths a hand down Nursey’s side and he shudders into it, sighs out a breath as Will kisses across his face, down his jaw, and over his pulse point. He noses there for a second, licking at the skin, and Nursey gasps out loud. 

 

They _literally just_ agreed to take it slow, but they’re pressed up right against each other, and Nursey is dying to feel close to him – to have nothing left between them, nothing but the overwhelming love that maybe they just never stopped holding for each other. 

 

“Not that I’m not enjoying this,” Chowder says from their immediate right, “but if you’re going to have sex, you should probably do that in Will’s room as opposed to in the woods fifty feet from a wedding. It’s a pretty private reception, but I don’t think Farmer or Mel will be too impressed with it anyways. Also, I don’t think Jack gave either of you two permission to fornicate in the woods behind his house.” 

 

Nursey and Will jerk away from each other just like they did the night before, only this time it’s much less gut-wrenching. 

 

“Uh,” Will says, bright red. Nursey snickers, and Chowder winks at him.

 

“I’m glad you got this sorted out,” C admits, turning to look at Will. “I thought you were both going to be stupid about it and then I would have to publicly break-up with Nursey and let you come to his rescue.”

 

Will just stares at him, kind of at a loss for words.

 

“All right, enough with the goldfish impression,” Chowder says, taking a step backwards towards the party. “Go upstairs and get it out of your system before I have to hear Nurse complaining about me cockblocking him for the next decade.”

 

Nursey gives him a thumbs up, and C salutes him. He turns and starts walking away, and then pauses, mid-stride to look back at Will again.

 

“By the way. I meant what I said, I’ll cut your balls off and nail them to my front door if you hurt him. Also, your daughter is currently passed out asleep in Bitty’s lap, and I think I can convince him to watch her for an hour or so, though I suspect she’s down for the count. So take your time.”

 

He starts to turn again, but Nursey stops him. “C, wait. What about us?”

 

Chowder raises an eyebrow and then grins. “If you mean ‘what about our charade’, don’t worry about it. I’ll come up with something to tell the key interested parties. If you mean ‘what about the fact that we occasionally, drunkenly hook up’, consider me totally unoffended by your life choices.” His eyes flicker to Will and then back to Nursey. “Though if you two ever want a drunken _threesome_ …”

 

Will splutters, bright red and totally scandalized, and Chowder successfully manages to walk off, laughing as he goes. Nursey isn’t sure if he’s joking or not.

 

Will gives Nursey a wide-eyed stare, and Nursey just shrugs. They’ll talk about it later. Now is really, very not the time.  
“So Bitty’s got Isa and there’s a giant party going on out here and there is an empty house.”

 

“I thought we said we were going to go slow,” Will points out, but he’s already lacing his fingers with Nursey’s – and God, does that feel weird, and familiar, and so, so right – and is walking them the long way around the house, towards the front door, so they can sneak in unnoticed. 

 

“We are,” Nursey says, “and we don’t have to do anything, if you don’t want to, but…” he trails off, and Will looks back at him questioningly. 

 

“I really want to be close to you right now. If that’s okay. I just need some time in your arms to… to feel like this is really happening.”

 

Will’s face is unbearably soft, and he doesn’t reply – just tugs Nursey along faster. 

 

They’re both a little out of breath by the time they reach Will’s room, and Nursey makes them take a detour to his and Chowder’s room for supplies. 

 

“What?” Nursey says, utterly unapologetic in the face of Will’s grimace, as he fishes lube and condoms out of his bag. “I didn’t _think_ me and Chowder were going to get drunk enough to bone, but it never hurts to be prepared.”

 

Will just makes a weird noise in the back of his throat and tugs Nursey out of his room a little faster. 

 

Will kicks the door closed behind him and then his hands are everywhere, brushing his cheeks, curling around his hip, bringing him closer. “Missed you,” Will gasps, “missed this,”

 

“Yeah,” Nursey mutters nonsensically as his head tips back, gives Will access to his throat. “Missed you too, God.” He threads a hand into Will’s hair and pulls, and Will lets out a filthy moan. 

 

“Definitely missed that,” he comments, and Will’s lips are back on his, tongue curling around his own, and he’s pushing him back towards their bed. They’re tearing at their clothes as they go, ties flung aside and belts not even pulled out of their loops, just dragged down with their pants as they let them drop. They trip twice – first on a pig lying on the floor, and then on a tiny shoe. 

 

“Fuck,” Will says, kicking the shoe aside, “I would die for that girl but she’s like a miniature tornado.” 

 

Nursey laughs, breathless and strained, as he unbuttons his shirt. Predictably, Nursey is naked first, laying spread out on Will’s bed, looking up at him hungrily. His cock is hard against his stomach, and he wants Will’s weight on him _now_ , wants to feel his skin – so familiar to him, and so different at the same time – warm down his body. The hard lines of him pressing into Nursey. 

 

But Will is standing absolutely still at the foot of the bed, looking down at Nursey like he’s never seen anything better in his entire life. 

 

“Come here, please,” Nursey begs, and Will’s dark eyes snap up to his face. Will still remembers, apparently, still knows what he loves best, and drops his shirt off to the side before crawling up Nursey’s body, pressing down arms on either side of Nursey’s face. 

 

“God, Derek,” Will breathes, foreheads pressing together, breath mixing. “How is it possible that you look _better_? It’s not fair, I wasn’t prepared for this.”

 

“I’ve been training with Chowder,” Nursey admits, tilting his head up for more kisses.

 

“I can tell. You’re fucking cut.”

 

“What, like I wasn’t before?” Nursey pouts, and Will licks his cheek playfully. 

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

They pause there for a second, just looking at each other, just breathing each other’s air. And then Nursey tilts up his hips, grinds against Will, and Will’s eyes flutter closed as he groans.

 

“Stop, you can’t–” Will says, holding Nursey down by the hips. 

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“Yes, yeah, but, ah.” Will looks embarrassed all of a sudden. “It’s been a long time, okay… like, a _really_ long time. And I’m kind of operating on a hairpin trigger here, all right?” 

 

He’s so red Nursey shushes him, grabs onto one hand and laces their fingers again. “It’s okay,” he says, “that’ll give you time to make it up to me.”

 

Will gives him a briefly confused look before his eyes widen. “You want…”

 

“If you do,” Nursey says quickly, shrugging a little. “Mostly, I just want to feel you, and… and you know how I get…” 

 

He watches Will’s throat as he swallows. His eyes are so dark, and Nursey shivers slightly. Will knows _exactly_ how he gets. Will always said how it was his favorite thing, eating Nursey out. Nursey’s not normally too loud, but when Will gets his mouth involved, Nursey turns into a whimpering, trembling mess, and it never usually takes much from there.

 

Will slides back down his body, kissing every inch of skin he can as he goes, holding tight to Nursey’s hand. Nursey feels utterly adored, and that. Isn’t something he’s felt in a very long time. It feels like a puzzle piece shifting back into place, like his world taking a deep breath and sighing out the tension. As Will sits back, Nursey takes a second to appreciate the way Will looks. His shoulders are a hair broader, his biceps solidly more muscular than they were even at Samwell – probably from hauling around a toddler who loves to be carried at all times. And from dragging kids around the ice at work. Will as a coach, Nursey thinks, and smiles a little to himself. He must love that. 

 

The train of thought is derailed by Will’s lips and tongue, mouthing at the head of his cock and getting it wet. Nursey moans, and Will moans too, one hand coming up to press just lightly against the delicate furl of skin. Will swallows around him, not taking him too deep – hesitant, Nursey assumes, from a lack of practice. But he’s not worried. It’s a lot like riding a bike, really. Except better. 

 

Will’s hands disappear, and when they get back, one is wrapping firms around his shaft, pumping slowly, and the other is pushing at his leg, spreading it slightly. 

 

And then there is Will’s tongue, licking a quick stripe up Nursey’s hole and then letting his tongue lick around it. Nursey gasps, hips twitching, as Will devotes himself entirely to the cause. Will is letting out little noises, and Nursey twists the sheets in his hand, desperate to get more contact with Will’s mouth.

 

“Jesus, Derek,” Will breathes, and when Nursey looks down at him his face is utterly wrecked, spit-slick and pink and glazed. “Almost forgot how good you taste, and the noises you make, Christ.” 

 

Nursey whimpers and lets his head fall back against the mattress. Will sucks a quick hickey on the inside of his thigh and then moves back to his original task, dipping his tongue in and alternating it with his finger, licking around it and letting Nursey tilt down into it further. 

 

“Love this,” Will is muttering as he brings lubed fingers back to Nursey’s hole, starts to press in with one finger, and then two. “Love you.” Nursey moans, and twists against the sheets. Unlike Will, it hasn’t actually been all that long since Nursey last did this. In either direction, really. Nursey has always liked to switch it up, play both roles, but Will has a special way of absolutely disarming him with fingers and lips and tongue. He’s whispering Nursey’s name, pressing his fingers in just right, brushing across his prostate just enough that Nursey knows once he presses in completely, he’ll be hitting it just hard enough to make Nursey fly to pieces. 

 

By the time Will is stretching him open with three fingers, Nursey is an absolute mess, moisture beading at the corners of his eyes and little gasps of “please” and “Will” falling from his lips every few seconds. 

 

“Enough,” Nursey says, after another minute, “Enough, enough, please, need you,”

 

“Baby,” Will murmurs, and Nursey whines – he hasn’t had that endearment in years, hasn’t let anyone use it, never since Will – “I only just got three…”

 

“Please Will let me, it’ll feel good, please,” Nursey grinds his hips down hard onto Will’s fingers, and Will presses his forehead to Nursey’s hip, breathes deeply for a moment before removing his hand. It’s only a moment before Will is back, blunt head pressing against his rim, but Nursey feels like he’s been waiting hours, and he draws his legs up around Will’s waist, pulls him in.

 

Will’s got a condom on and is stroking gently up Nursey’s thighs, soothing him, trying to slow him down. But Nursey is not feeling patient, and he bends his knees, knowing Will is getting a good look at him, waiting to take him in, tighten around him.   
Will obliges with a loud moan, pressing in slowly, trying to let Nursey adjust to his size. It isn’t easy, with Nursey squirming around, and he tightens up intentionally, squeezing Will so that he gasps and grips Nursey tighter by the hip. 

 

“Fuck, Derek, fuck,”

 

“Yeah, Poindexter, that’s the goal,” Nursey chirps him breathlessly, and Will moans – half out of trying to keep control, half out of exasperation.

 

“I hate you so much,” he gasps, “you’re terrible.”

 

“You love me,” Nursey teases, and then goes quiet, like he isn’t sure. Will brings one hand up, brushes Nursey’s cheek with his knuckles.

 

“I do,” Will says, voice low and firm. “I never stopped.”

 

And then he’s moving, pulling out almost all the way and pressing back in, lighting Nursey up so fast he’s teetering on the edge almost immediately – the way he always is after Will rims him. 

 

It really does not take long. Will seems hell bent on making sure Nursey comes first, and he’s doing everything in his power to make it happen. He’s doing exactly what Nursey suspected, pressing directly into his prostate, and dragging himself in and out hard enough that he can hear skin against skin. His hand is stripping Nursey’s cock, and he’s leaned forward, is whispering I love you’s into Nursey’s skin as he cries out. Everything starts to focus, sharpen, and Will whispers, “Come for me baby, let me see you, been so long,” and Nursey is undone, spilling up his own chest and twitching around Will. Will, who has clearly been hanging on by his goddamn fingernails, groans loudly and comes as well, pushing himself back into Nursey a few more times as he rides out the aftershocks. 

 

Will takes advantage of his last dregs of energy and cleans them up a bit, pressing kisses to Nursey’s skin wherever he can. And then he slumps down next to him, pulls Nursey in, curls him into his arms. 

 

They stay like that for several long, drawn-out minutes, just breathing together. 

 

“You know, I think I lied to myself about the sex,” Will says after some more silence.

 

“Hm?” Nursey’s face is very comfortable from its place in Will’s neck, and he isn’t planning on moving for something as mundane as speech. 

 

“I think I pretended our sex life was worse than it was because otherwise I would have gone insane.” It sounds like an admission of some sort, and Nursey snorts elegantly into Will’s collarbone. 

 

There’s another minute of silence, and then Will’s hand makes its way to Nursey’s hair, digging in at the roots and scratching gently there. “I missed it, don’t get me wrong,” Will says softly, “but this part is my favorite. Lying with you in my arms.”

 

“My favorite, too.”

 

Will plants a tiny kiss on his forehead. 

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“I’m so glad.”

 

Nursey nods, his head a little fuzzy from lack of sleep and exertion. 

 

“Shh, go to sleep, baby,” Will mumbles, the fingers of his other hand tracing tiny pleased patterns into Nursey’s skin. “I’ll still be here when you wake up.” 

 

Nursey sighs. He knows he will be. And will continue to be, every day after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /blows a party horn
> 
> and we're done!
> 
> thank you all so much for reading, and for putting up with my stupid-long chapters. 1 week, 27,233 words, 53 pages, and here we are. I ended with smut. I'm not really sure what else I was expecting really.
> 
> I didn't really want to play 'where are they now', but I did want to write some extras? so if there's anything you didn't see that you would like to see hit me up on tumblr at sinbindos, which is where I'll be posting the ones I do end up writing.
> 
> I really loved writing this and I hope you guys are satisfied with the conclusion! 
> 
> I leave you all with one short extra:
> 
> “Are they ever coming back down?” Bitty whispers to Chowder sometime around the two hour mark. Isa is still out like a light. Bitty is her favorite babysitter, and he takes her as often as she can, but she’s a lot heavier than she was as a baby. After about forty-five minutes Bitty passed her off to Jack, who is standing by the giant, four-tier cake, the toddler’s face smushed into his shoulder, completely dead to the world. 
> 
> “I’ll go look for them in a bit,” Chowder replies, shrugging. “As much as Nursey loves me, I don’t think Will would take kindly to me seeing him naked just yet.”
> 
> “You make a good point,” Bitty concedes, still watching Jack. Then he squints. 
> 
> “Wait, what do you mean ‘just yet’?”
> 
> live those polyfrogs dreams, my friends.

**Author's Note:**

> ...I was working on the WIP I should be working on and then my hand slipped.
> 
> my hand slipped almost 6000 times. 
> 
> content warning for a panic attack, sorry guys! it's right after Nursey seeing Will's daughter. Spoilers?? 
> 
> EXTRA SPECIAL thanks to @angeryginger for enabling me and also helping me sift through ideas!
> 
> want to shout at me to get to work on fireflies? want to yell at me about this one? find me on tumblr at sinbindos! this STARTED as a short one-shot for a friend, and snowballed into something completely utterly different. So if you send me a prompt, this might happen.


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